Sunday, 5 December 2010
5 of the Fifth
Thre is the awkwardness of getting peoples faces so all pics taken yesterday, but some poetic license used.
The pics are of :
1. Rolo, one of the cats..he mas mastered opening a locked cat flap
2. Ole, another of my cats..hes is virtually human in his affection
3. A friend of mine..he doesnt care what people think about him, he is happy being himself
4. I love watches..I own about 40, and these are all my non digital ones...favourites are the gold one my Great Grandfather owned, and my Mickey Mouse one :-)
5. The clock face is the obvious one..a nice example of and English 19th Carved Wooden clock, but in the small frames are my mother and grandmother..they deserve a mention
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Am going to mention 3 blogs i take an interest in cos i believe its important to have people out there who you can relate to, or maybe blogs to read who have been through similar situations.
Last night i read, what is possibly the most wonderful blog post in all my time reading blogs.
I've followed this blog from its previous incarnation through to this one. He was one of the first blogs i read, one of the reasons I started blogging myself and one of the reasons i am still blogging and now tweeting today. His post and blog should be used as inspiration for all young gay guys out there struggling with growing up being gay.... and i am so happy that last night went so well... Jessie I am so proud of you.
Another blog i think you should read is.
As an adult struggling to come to terms with being gay, it was reassuring to find another adult living the gay life, but not being out..i know my situation is totally different to his, but i thoroughly enjoy keeping up with whats going on with him....as well as the fact he is a thoroughly decent and charming guy :)
Most people who read my blog already will follow:
but if you dont, then start reading his blog..he is one of the nicest guys you could wish to meet, whose love and understanding for his fellow man is incredible...and he writes excellently
..to those other bloggers i read religiously, i will be doing more updates soon , mentioning other interesting blogs, but dont want to just redo my blog list as a post.
Other news for me today, Um.... i went to a Clinic for the first time this morning and went through all tests for STIs. I cant reiterate enough how important it is to get yourself checked out regularly..not only for yourself, but anyone else you have a sexual relationship with. Its simple and straightforward and not half as embarrassing as you may think..i know I am probably saying things you all already know, but if you havent been to one and think you should start going, just message me and i'll explain what happens so youre prepared...fortunately for me, my best friend told me what to expect beforehand so i wasnt surprised by anything.
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Slightly sad this morning that I may have upset someone on twitter... i think someone thought i was taking the mickey out of them and talking badly about them, when i wasnt .... anyone who knows me, knows i dont do that..but online peeps dont really know me. Just i take things personally when i upset people...ive spent my life trying to make other people happy...
Am waiting for a delivery from a department store today..some christmas presents..plus some undies for me (Yay!!) theyve texted me to say the parcel will arrive between 12:03 and 13:03 today...I'm thinking...Wow, thats pretty accurate..we shall see though!!
Anyone in the UK knows the main topic of discussion over the past few days has been the snow (and you thought I was going to say Justin Bieber on XFactor didnt you?? *sighs and shakes head*) Finally i got some snow worthy of discussion..only maybe an inch but its better than nothing i suppose - enough snow to make a snow cat maybe!! Was chatting to a friend about the weather and we both agreed we either like it to be freezing cold or hot (around 30*C) . and could do without most of the temperatures in the middle really....now all i need to do is find a place with those extremes!!
Am supposed to be working, but am pottering around online and thinking of christmas presents to buy for people..I use Christmas as opposed to Xmas, as i have been told off twice this year for shortening the word..and neither are particularly religious people either..maybe i will...but i know it saves characters on texts and twitter ..lol
Anyway, thats my non entity of a blog post for today...just a normal day for me :)
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
I seem to be on twitter rather alot..i only joined twitter originally to chat to a really cute guy i used to see on cam4, but he doesnt use it that much..so ignored twitter until Jessie made a comeback on here..and cos i didnt want to lose contact with him again, started following him on twitter..and it sort of snowballed from there with finding other guys blogs i had been following and totally new friends as well, which has been awesome to be honest.
Apart from twitter, i have been spending lots of time on msn with my best friend Elliot and 'T' (more of 'T' later).
I went down to see Elliot a couple of weeks ago and it was really great seeing him and having a nice day out in London together..we had so much fun and are trying to find the time to meet up again before Christmas. He was exactly how i was expecting..funny, charming and great to be around...incidentally its the first time i've been to London and enjoyed being there!!
As i also mentioned I spend alot of time on msn with 'T', i met him online a couple of months ago, and we started chatting together..i am not going to say much because i dont want to embarrass him cos he reads my blog..but we clicked and found we had so much in common with each other. Talking to him seemed so easy..and i love being with him, even virtually...i dont know where it is going yet, but i am happy :)..Thank you 'T' xxx
The original reason for this post was I thought i may give you a bit of background to me growing up for no other reason that it may interest you. I had thought about it, then I was chatting on twitter to my friend Torchy discussing childhood and growing up and he suggested i maybe tell you all about mine, and also something my friend Nic said on twitter made my decide to do it..he tweeted that a song came on that reminded him of his father...i found this really lovely that he had that emotional connection between his father and that song, and realised i didnt have any connection like that with my family at all.
I'll start by saying i had a good childhood...i got plenty of toys and games etc..i was spoiled rotten some might say, as i was an only child and I didnt suffer abuse at the hands of anyone.
I didnt have a male father figure throughout my childhood, or someone like that who i could look up to..infact the only person who i remember who i thought of in that way was one of my Deputy Headmasters at school who took a special interest in me throughout my school days. (In a good way by the way!!!)
I met alot of male figures through my childhood...my mother , who i didnt live with seemed to have a very wide circle of male friends....., who changed on a near weekly basis..some of the time I was described as her son...other times she let people assume I was her younger brother..dependent on the situation she was in....
as i said, i wasnt brought up by my mother..if she had had her way, i would have been terminated!!!, but she was persuaded not to do it by the lady who brought me up. She was a wonderful human being and was an amazing surrogate parent in my growing up. Looking back i dont think i ever properly formed a parent child bond with her that i should have done....emotionally i am quite stoical...i seem to have much love for people whilst they are there, but once they have gone, that feeling disappears...which saddens me somewhat... To me, the passing of my mother and this other lady are just closed chapters in my life..if i revisit them, its for a reason, and not because i want to go back there...i wish that would change someday.
sorry if this has been a bit of a mish mash of thoughts etc today...my head is a bit all over the place at the moment..it may be i explain my family further, but its a good start i think..i really dont want to confuse you all too soon
I will be posting more stuff soon :) maybe more background stuff and more on bits of my life over the past few months i havent talked about yet
Thursday, 4 November 2010
The theme for this month is recycle which really stumped me to be honest apart form the obvious so ive gone with that, let me know what you think if you get a chance, Thanks
It may be recyclable but it was sitting in a bin bag
Hope you like these :)
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
1.I am an only child
2.My favourite colour is purple
3.I know 2 people that are born on the same day and month as me
4.I am right handed
5.I bat left handed in cricket
6.I have one tattoo
7.I have had my appendix removed
8.I was going to become a vicar when i was at school
9.My favourite number is 13
10.I own approximately 200 cameras
11.I dont eat Onions
12.Except Spring onions
13.I like cats
14.I have been on Countdown
15.My first job was working in a butchers when i was at school
16.I would describe myself as gay..always have been..yeh i know!!
17.Currently I have 3 cats
18.I have walked the length of Hadrians Wall
19.The most played songs on my ipod are The XX - Crystalised, Green Day - East Jesus Nowhere, Placebo - Nancy Boy,
20.The only bone I have broken is my finger
21.But fractured my wrist 3 times
22.I have cut my own hair for 20 years
23.My left foot is slightly bigger than my right
24.I passed my driving test at the 2nd attempt
25.I have no living relatives
26.I have been knocked down by a car
27.I wear contact lenses
28.I have met my hero
29.I am uncut
30.I dont like my fingers to be sticky
31.The only fruit I have had are apples and bananas
32.I love Disney
33.I have swum with dolphins
34.My temperature in my bedroom as a child once read zero degrees C
35.I use humour in inappropriate situations..alot
36.I was caught smoking when i was 9 years old
37.I still dont know what I want as a career
38.I have turned down 2 career changing jobs because they were based in London
39.I was the youngest person to be interviewed for Mastermind at the time
40.I have never owned a skateboard, and only bought Roller Blades about 5 years ago
41.I am learning to speak Polish
42.I am probably addicted to coffee and chocolate
44.My life changing moment was the first time I kissed a guy
45.I have done all my own cooking since i was 15 years old
46.I have never spent more than 12 hours in a row with my mother
47.I always throw away any chip that has a black or bad bit on
48.I was 'groomed' as a child by a paedophile, but never fell for it
49.I dont hold grudges...life's too short
50.I can see myself settling down and being in a relationship with one guy for the rest of my life
Hope you liked them and found out more about me..i'm happy to expand on any if you want to know more, or if theres any burning questions you want to ask, you can do that!
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Anyway, back to the title of this post...I have told someone from my real life that i'm gay! Now before you all start jumping up and down shouting Wahey!! it wasnt as big a step as it sounds..he was a very safe bet indeed. He is someone i went to school with , who now lives in another country, i only chat now with him through facebook, and hes gay...so it made sense to tell him, but it made me happy doing it.
He was surprised but happy about it and we had about a 3 hours chat afterwards about all manner of things regarding me and being gay. I found out so much about him i didnt know..it was strange because our paths criss crossed throughout our whole childhood from about when i was 4 until 16, but we were never good friends..the strange thing was i always felt an affinity towards him but didnt know why...i guess it was embyonic gaydar at work (especially since i had the same feeling towards another guy at school, who my friend told me was gay as well..how did he know this???..well they had 3 flings with each other in their teens ...lol)
At school i actually had a bit of a crush on this friend i told...i thought he was cute..i told him this yesterday and it made him so happy cos he felt he was nothing at school in terms of people liking him that way.
so thats the first friend I've told about me...lets hope the rest are all that positive!!!! we can hope
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
not really much to report to be honest...life is just bobbing along at the moment with no major problems..apart from the problem i am trying to resolve..that really still isnt...still very slowly edging towards freedom...
Through here and other online portals i have made so many wonderful friends so far..i feel really lucky to have found an awesome bunch of individuals...
I'm not going to name names but there have been people who have just let a comment, or sent me a message through to emailing me, through to becoming a proper friend, i just want to thank every one of you :)
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
After everything he has been through, Timothy has passed away.
I am crying at the moment because of what a special guy he was !!!
My heartfelt condolensces go out to everyone who knew him and were touched by him in their lives
Thats all really
Friday, 8 October 2010
Monday, 4 October 2010
What with facebook/twitter/blogger/skype etc, its a wonder i have time for the real world...well, i dont much, but online i enjoy far more as i can truly be myself!!
I had some time in the real world last Wednesday...Me and a 'friend' spent the morning in a hotel having some fun...its really weird that i seem to have taken to this in such a matter of fact way..maybe its just i've been preparing myself for it for the last 20 odd years. Spending several hours naked with another guy doing all different types of things was a great experience for me..and one i will be doing again ;) ... well hopefully. We both know its just sex between us..neither of us want anything more than that which suits me fine..i am not able to or ready for that...
When things have been sorted my end...i already have a date planned sort of..lol..its a guy ive got to know over the last couple of months online..i'm not going to tell you much about him, but he cant commit to a relationship either, like me..but we talk about when things will be different and we have said we both want to go out with each other..i dont know when this would be or how things would go, but we know that we want to try and see how we get on with each other.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Sorted things out with the guy i met up, we're still friends, which is good...still not entirely sure what happened but Ho Hum!!...sometimes things click, sometimes they don't...
...and gonna be getting some more practice in soon anyway, which i may or may not tell you all about :p
As if I havent got enough I.T stuff to keep me occupied, I've resurrected my twitter account and started posting random bits of crap on there now http://twitter.com/toolate4regrets
I was also thrilled to see jessie constantly confused back with us in blogland http://jessie-constantlyconfused.blogspot.com/ couldn't believe when i saw him post...It's a bit stupid really when I dont actually know anyone in the blog world apart from 3 guys, but when you find a blog that is true and interesting, it does make you feel a bit sad when they go..and consequently happy when they post. Welcome back Jessie!!!
Home wise, not much really, still...trying to get my wife to do anything is such hard work...it seems a strange thing to say, but she really doesn't actual like people!!! She gets easily and really irate by people...customers, relatives, and friends..which means that she doesnt have any friends really and has a fractured relationship with her own family which isn't getting any better..probably worse....and i dont really know what to do..she can't see that the common factor in her losing all her friends and family is herself..to her, its everyone else who is the problem..
An example of this is one of our best friends (who was incredibly cute by the way!) got a serious girlfriend who he eventually married...we stopped seeing him because my wife didn't like his girlfriend and found her itrritating. My take on this was, that she may be a bit loud , but shes his girlfriend and he's happy so we should accept her because we liked him....my wifes take on this was that our friend shouldnt bring her round or come out with us...or even worse, that he shouldnt be with her!!! When we stopped seeing them it was our friends fault for not ditching his girfriend!!!... what do you do when someone thinks like that??? I am very forgiving as far as my friends are concerned..i care for them and would do anything for my good friends, but if theres a problem or something goes wrong, i'll blow off quickly...and then its forgotten and I move on..life's too short to harbour grudges and resentment....my wifes seems to enjoy the harbouring grudges....once somethings happened she doesnt forget...and it stays there...until she destroyed everything :(
This wasnt supposed to be a long or deep post, but ended up opening a whole can of worms there...sorry about that!!!
Maybe I'll have something lighter or better next time for you
Thanks everyone for reading and commenting :)
Sunday, 19 September 2010
My best friends dream guy didnt really turn out so :( ,he's a bit gutted by it but he's gained something really important from it...its the first time he has fallen properly head over heals for someone...something he didnt think he had the capacity to do
At home, I am trying to encourage my wife to do more things, but she's not interested...i dont think arranging to go to the theatre next April can really count...she doesn't want to do anything to meet new people or just reacquaint herself with old friends, which I would like her to do. I am hoping that it will come with time...and starts to get on with other people.
Friday, 17 September 2010
Still havent heard anything from my meet up guy which is sad...i didnt make it clear in my last post about who this guy is..which could give some clues as to why i am confused.....all his behaviour points to someone who would be in a similar situation to me..ie: either newly gay or inexperienced, closeted etc...but that isnt the case..its a guy who has always known he was gay, is happily out and experienced....which is whats messing with my mind totally..oh, well!!
My best friend has been great support over the past few days..offering happy thought and words of comfort, which is sweet, especially as he seems to have found his dream guy...i really hope it works out for him because he thoroughly deserves his happiness..... Am I jealous of him?.no not at all...i really couldnt wish a lifetime of happiness with the right guy more than on him...he is truly awesome :)
Away from men and relationships, I am trying to get my fitness improved and weight reduced..not that i am fat..lol. I stupidly entered a big race next month...so am desperately trying to make sure I am ready for it and dont embarrass myself..lol
anyway, thats all for now..i will keep you updated with anything else as it happens
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
There have been developments in my world.....
As I've mentioned before, I have been making new buddies online over the past few months, and a very good one, I met up with last week. The plan was to have coffee lunch, do some shopping, and have good proper chat whilst I there...it didnt quite happen that way and we sort of didnt end up leaving his house at all. I wont give you all the gory details..(well, not at this juncture anyway), we didnt do everything, but had a very good time. The thing is it was the most natural thing i have ever done, being with him , and he said alot of nice things about me...all in all it went swimmingly.....now for the problem.........I'm not sure what has happened since then, its all got very confusing to be honest. We chatted over the next few days and i was supposed to be seeing him again...but he doesnt want to now...and i dont know why...he says he is confused and needs to go away and think over things and doesnt know what to think now....
Anyone got any ideas whats going on???? If i was crap, Ive told him to to tell me , but apparently thats not it.... :( so I'm just in limbo at the moment.
I met up with another guy yesterday for drink and lunch..hes looking for some no strings attahed fun, but although he's keen , i just dont know anymore, not sure i really want to go through with it at the moment...and to be honest i'm not attracted to him either..my trouble is i do things to keep others happy so will probably end up going through with it. you never know, i may enjoy it.
Who would have thought friendship and fun were so hard to find and deal with............
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
My time at home is a constant merry go round of silence, crying, and normality.... there are times when we are getting on great..and getting on like friends. Then there are times when we've just got nothing to say to each other...and then there are the times when she just cries...i can understand it totally after what i have done, but selfishly i dont want to see it when it happens.
Apart from my past..i am looking to the future and continue to make new acquaintances which i hope will turn into friends...I managed to spend 13 hours one day last week with this guy on skype...lol I havent got time for real life what with msn, skype and facebook!!! The main thing with these guys is i can be myself..no more lying or hiding away...i find i am feeling better as a person for being able to be honest with people
I did promise some pics of guys i like the look of..sorry this has taken some time, but its actually quite a difficult task...i didnt want to put celebrities or sportsmen i liked the look of on here... thats more a fantasy...but i have included some though :) i have also found photos of guys who are either hot from there pic alone, and some who i think are hot because i know somehing about them which makes them hot...its not necessarily just the looks that makes a guy hot.... I'm not going to stick naked pics either on here..some guys you may only get a face
If any of these pics belong to someone else or they are of you and you want them removed, just let me know!! Also all these guys are over 18 years old incase you are wondering...
Its not a great pic, but this guy below is just cute..and he's got great hair as well :)
Not the greatest picture of Nicholas Hoult, but nice nonetheless
...and finally for today, Joe Hart the Goalkeeper..dont know what it is about him, but i think he's sexy :)
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
also i have put a pic up...it is actually of me as well!! it was the best clean one i could find where my identity is protected enough...im still not in a position to show you everything...not that you would probably want to see everything either ..lol
at home, things just seem complicated...my wife is intimating that she would be happy living with a gay guy...jokingly she said last night that if we won the lottery and bought a big house i could move my boyfriend in if i had one!!!! As with her previous 'jokey' statements, i dont know what to believe.
You may remember i mentioned some posts ago about comments she made to me being gay a few months ago...last night she said she actually thought i was gay before we started going out...when she knew me as a work colleague (but not in the same building), but despite this liked me, and then loved me....i dont know what to think about that...no one else ever suspected and ive never done anything to 'give the game away' so to speak.
i have also come to the realisation that i dont just want to be gay in name only..its not good enough me knowing and accepting it...and leaving it there...i want other people who are relevant to know..and also act on those desires as well...
Ive had to reluctantly do alot of thinking over the past few days and alot of things are coming out from that..my mind is very much a whirlpool of things going on, so excuse me if things get a bit random and all over the place
I think ive developed a crush as well...well i think its one...its someone who it would be totally impractical to go out with and it wouldnt work i dont think..even if i was totally available now... ive known him a couple of months now, and hes everything you could want. He's very good looking, funny, smart, and the sweetest nicest person ive ever met...we get on well..and i love him to bits, but for the sake of losing the relationship i have with him, its going to stay in my head....i know that he doesnt see my in 'that' way at all, so no use people saying i should give it a go...i just feel happy for having him as a friend :)
thats enough randomness for now i think...till next time !!!
Saturday, 31 July 2010
so far i have reistsed the temptation to put anything in my blog apart from my thought and links to other bloggers, but think i will try and add more content for you...things which appeal to me...and by things i mean guys and music !!!!! :)
My life meanders on...i think my wifes has finally coming to realise that our marriage is over...despite the utopian ideal of staying together, i dont think it is going to be possible for much longer...but we shall see.
As i have previously posted i think....i have never done anything with a guy before . During the closeted period of my marriage, I have never done anything with another guy ...not even flirted with another guy...but since my confession, that is changing..i am finding myself more liberated in my attitudes and behaviour...for a start i am being quite flirty with guys..whether i know their sexuality or not...(i actually think i havent got a bad gaydar based on past experiences) but its fun to do anyway.
As for other things with guys...i still havent broken my duck so to speak...its a dilemma for me...knowing i'm gay and in my belief, that the relationship with my wife is no longer as her husband, i have convinced myself that if the opportunity arose to do something with another guy, i would take it. I still have feelings of guilt for wanting to do this...after all I still am a married man. I have already made a couple of attempts to meet guys ..but nothing has yet come of it for various reasons that i may post publicly about one day, when i think you all deserve a laugh..lol. Several guys i have been chatting with have all suggested i'll go through a tart phase once i start, but i really dont think its me...much as i would love to hook up with a random guy, ive never been one for one nighters...all relationships i have had have been developed from friendships first...i dont know if the same applies now, but i would feel far more comfortable hooking up with a guy i already know for some fun regularly if its something we are both happy to do.
Well, thats a longer post than i was going to do...once i just start thinking about what i am writing it sort of flows into a river of gibberish!!!
I was gonna put some pics here of guys i find attractive, but dont know if its something you would like to see or not...i dont want to turn this into an adult rated blog so they have to be clean pics, but just so you can see what i like :)
Monday, 26 July 2010
just to let you know, after taking stock of things, i am gonna try and continue blogging. I do enjoy doing it and receiving feedback and the support i have had has been awesome throughout the whole of it. It has really helped me over the past few months.
Timmy waiting for God is on the mend on blogland which is great to hear...if you dont follow him, heres the link http://timmy-abbros.blogspot.com/.
Also Eddie , after his tragic loss appears to be coping with things...if you ever want to chat eddie, youve got my details. His link is http://justthelifeofeddie.blogspot.com/
Thats all for now sorry, but will update you soon
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
a bit sad today due to the loss of 2 bloggers...the first has stopped writing due the very sad death of his brother...i totally understand why he has done it, and i hope everyone who knows who he is will be thinking of his family at this very sad time in their life.
the second blogger loss is my fault...via coincidences and friends i realised, who a blogger i followed was, and added them as a friend on facebook. Due to his own circumstances, this has scared him and caused him to stop blogging for fear of being found out. He knows how sorry i am for this happening and its something i never wanted to happen...this blogger is a great guy and been an inspiration to me and others...
Due to this, at the moment i'm going to stop blogging...I know the risks of mixing my online life and real world lives together and want to be in control of that happening...but do not want it to happen to others, who do not want that. His blog made and could still make a big difference to other guys in the situation and he is in, and i dont want that to happen to anyone else. The world needs more people like him.
Thank you to my followers and those who have commented...you have all made a difference to me in my life. I will still follow blogs but at the moment it doesnt feel right blogging myself or contacting other bloggers as well.
Some of you may work out whos blog i am talking about and will be there for him should he need any support
Thursday, 1 July 2010
i cant believe its been 10 days snce my last post, but to be honest, i dont really think much has happened in my life...the weather in the UK has been beautiful...which for us means sunshine with a bit of light cloud and temperatures between 20-30 degrees celcius or 70-80 farenheit...apart from work, ive been sitting out in the sun ...especially sunday watching the football (which we wont talk about in england) and Formula 1 motor racing on my laptop....needless to say ignored all the warnings about getting sunburnt and subsequently have looked a bit like a lobster/tomato/radish for the past few days...
This week at work i really havent done alot...for starters its been too hot to do anything, and secondly i have been doing alot of chatting online with people through msn and skype which has been good...growing up before the days of facebook, twitter and myspace, once you left school, unless you could be really bothered, you lost touch with people..and i was particularly bad at keeping in touch with people, so online messaging is brilliant for me to do that with current friends and i tend to use it alot..and with the advent of facebook, have reconnected with people i used to know which has been great.
If any of you ever want to chat, my skype is toolate4regrets...cant think where i thought up that skype name..lol...if you maybe say where you found me it would be useful for me to know rather than wondering who the random person is...lol
i really should add tags to my blog..ive never really thought about it before so, i will from now:-)
ive been catching up with other blogs i follow...i read one called Timmy....Wating for Godhttp://timmy-abbros.blogspot.com/..he seems a really nice teen guy, but is having a few health concerns recently which is a real shame, and must be so worrying for him and his family...for what its worth, my thoughts are with him ... Another blog i follow religiously is http://gayandy.blogspot.com/ Andy/David is one of the most thoughtful, intelligent sensitive guys i think ive ever seen...his constant concern for his friends and family is wonderful...and hes only 16 years old!!!! I followed his previous blog and was both worried and felt sad when it disappeared, but now he is all sorted, it is back bigger and better than ever....i cant wait for andy to find that special guy cos he really deserves it....his attitude and beliefs put many people , including myself to shame....
i cant think of much else to say at the moment..i am sitting at work, drinking coffee pondering what to do next....
Sunday, 20 June 2010
am chuffed to get a comment from Eddie at Always hardhttp://hornynhard.blogspot.com/. His blog is briliant to be honest - his writing is excellent and he mixes day to day life with some very horny material - HeHe.... Everyone should take a look at his blog...and if you want to read his early material, its available as a download...its well worth it..from his first post to now!!! Eddie, you really should go through with the tattoo...i had mine on my wrist which is supposed to be the most pain...and to be honest, it didnt really hurt at all...just a bit of discomfort -i love having mine...
My wife is being really great..we do have down moments, but we are still together and just working through everything...how our lives are going to continue...i have noted Jims blog and will be taking a proper look soon.
I'm making some new friends a well...gay and bisexual ones...its great starting to make friends from scratch who are fully aware of me and my situation...its great to finally be myself with them...ive found them generally online and chatting through skype and msn
One guy has been really great and supportive online..ive chatted online with him loads and i think i may have found a friend for life..i am hoping we can meet up properly cos i owe him alot really for his support over the last couple of weeks...its always difficult when you are online with someone, whether they can be trusted, but this guy is something special...and the first person ive been truly honest with in my life
So, at the moment things are good, and hopefully will get better
thank you guys for the support
Friday, 18 June 2010
i just did a post and stupid blogger lost it so will try and remember what i wrote...lol
my wife and i are still living together under the same roof and getting on. She has been incredibly supportive of me and what i have done despite how hard it is for her. Having been together for so long, we do share a special bond which neither of us wants to break, but need to find a way of living with it...at the moment we are taking each day as it comes and see how our lives evolve after what i have done
in other news, i have got a tattoo..ive been wanting one for ages and finally took the plunge...i dont know whether it is part of me wanting to peel layers away or mid life crisis...but i love it:-)
i am feeling alot freer and more open in myself since things happened...i find myself flirting with guys in real life and chatting to them online...something ive never done before having been so tightly closeted, but enjoy the flirting immensely :-)
i'm gonna keep blogging to let you know whats happening in my life and keep you updated about stuff, if youre interested.
Friday, 4 June 2010
just a bit of an update. as i said, Ive told my wife that i like blokes.
Although she suspected or thought it highly likely i was gay, it was a still a shock to her...those comments a few weeks ago about beng a gay boy and others i mentioned...they were testing the water by her!! bit slow on the uptake me
we're still living together at the moment whilst we try and work out what this means for both of us. Obviously me fancing men is going to have consequences, but i still have emotional feelings towards my wife...things are very confused but i do feel better now its out in the open
Friday, 28 May 2010
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Just over 2 years ago, she came in not feeling well but nothing specific apart from from dizzyness, for a couple of days, then called in sick when it didnt clear up to try and shift it by resting...6 weeks later the brain tumour that the dizzyness had been the first symptoms of, had killed her.
I only mention her here, because she was 60 and she was gay. she never made a thing of it but we all knew. We all felt for her when she split from her partner. I only wish that i had told her before she died that i was gay..it was people from her generation and afterwards that made it easier to be accepted as gay for people like me and younger...
i havent come out yet, but i should have told her....
i didnt ...thank God!, but its just something that came into my head a few days ago after reading the last few posts of JJ (his blog JJs Yacky Box is on my following list i think...). Its something thats been kicking around inside my head since that time, but ive never told anyone before...and reading JJs blog sort of made me think i should say something.
Basically i used to get the same bus to school each day, and started chatting with this bloke who got on the same bus as me while we were waiting for the bus. Turns out he was a teacher at another school on my route and knew one of the teachers at my school well. I mentioned to him one day that i had painted my room and he suggested i came and did his jokingly...over the next few times he was trying to make plans for me to come and paint his room and he's pay me..he said he had got a couple of other boys from his school helping as well, he kept trying to get me to go, but partly due to apathy, and partly due to something in my head triggering doubts...i made excuses and he left it eventually...i cant remember if i changed my timing or just coincidence i didnt seem him much afterwards... but i then read somewhere (i cant remember how soon after) that he had been sacked from his school for something dodgy- the part of the story that emerged was he was asking and trying inappropriate things in class - asking boys about their sex lives, giving them condoms and asking them to practice putting them on for him etc and there was mention of having boys at his house...and i am pretty sure it wasnt part of our curriculum...i dont know if anything else came out about what he had done, but i think i had a lucky escape in hindsight.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
anyway i am in a very happy mood since Gordon brown has resigned as Prime Minister a few moments ago.
in my opinion , I have had to endure 13 years of misery under a government only serving the needs of itself and its cronies and its about time we had a party and government that tries to put the needs of the country first (althought they dont always succeed).
I just read House of Matties http://houseofmatty.blogspot.com/blog and the comment made by someone shouting Matties opinion down which really pissed me off no end -its just typical of the behaviour we have had to put up with in this country for so long.
No doubt I am going to pee people off with my political allegiance but i dont really care. We need a strong government now to pull us all out of this economic mess we are in and to restore confidence in the country. I am a very happy man!!
Onto other things going on in my life at the moment...as i said not alot!! i'm still snowed under with work and am without some staff for the next few weeks as well which is a pain but they have good reason!! so late nights and early morning for the forseeable future.
im watching the cricket on TV at the moment and enjoying the twenty 20 tournament this year...not just cos england are actually doing well, but the standard of cricket is really high and teams are becoming more savvy at this form of the game...for those who follow me and dont know much about cricket, i wont bore you trying to explain the game, but i love it :-)
Thursday, 29 April 2010
I dont have a 9 to 5 job as i work for myself and its a job i can do 24 hours a day....obviously i dont work 24 hours a day but often work 16-18 hours some days and when something comes up then i just have to work to get things done:-( and i'm my own worst enemy at stopping work and putting my feet up.
Personally though not alots been happening this week really
i will try and reply to messages etc tomorrow
Saturday, 24 April 2010
I wrote this in 1990
"Dont you wish that sometimes
you could just write something
out, which you needed to get out of
yourself, but you know that you
cant, because someone may find
out what you have written and
it could cause endless complications
if you wrote what wasn't the
truth, but only what you
perceived it to be, or thought it
to be at a certain time, and
might not be anymore, but
you had to let it out because
if you didnt, it would just
well up inside and never get
You know what I mean!"
I think we all know what i was talking about here 20 years ago!!!
20 years ago i suppose that was the equivalent of a blog post - but one which no one would ever see, but something i needed to get out of me...even if it was in the most cryptic way possible
i may post some more of my writings at some point - some of them are also related to my sexuality.
One story i wrote was based around a short break i spent at Uni with a girl in Chichester, and I wrote it as a diary in the style of Andy Warhols Diary (which is worth a read) - anyhoo, the point being, in this diary, i wrote that one of her male friends was cute - looking back i am surprised i wrote that then...even though he really was ;-)
that was more of a ramble than a blog post, but it interested me
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
things werent going well last weekend and the long and short of it was my wife was starting to get her stuff together to walk out.....and i stopped her...so i'm in the same position i was in before :-(
ive been chatting with a couple of people so will paraphrase some of what i was saying to them whilst it was fresh in my mind
I wrote the blog comments cos i was just really angry at myself that i didnt allow what was going to hapoen, happen. I was fristrated with a situation that i had visualised that i wanted, but actually wanst mentally ready to deal with it at the time.
During the argument and her preparing to walk out, all i thought about was what would happen to her. i would have been happy to be the one to leave as i think i could have coped better with that and was guilty about her leaving to go, who knows where??
you may think i was fearful about what would happen and thats what stopped me, but i dont really fear the future after i come out, because i am going to be able to live my whole life for the first time in my life, not 2 separate lives.
Anyway, after it had happened and i had blogged and calmed down a bit, i'm a bit more chilled about things....i think it has made me think more about how i will come out to my wife. obviously i cant predict when this will happen, but think that i am a bit better prepared in my head for the future.....
4 days later and things havent changed...my wife keeps telling me how much she loves me...which is nice but just builds up the guilt inside me... :-(
Sunday, 18 April 2010
Thursday, 15 April 2010
you can tell im really busy cos
a... i havent been blogging that much, and
b... i havent even had the time or energy for a 'barclays' since monday - and thats just not on!!!
Nothing 'gay' to report this week either, i'm still not wearing my wedding ring during the day as well
last night had the bed all to myself...the wife found a flea on top of the duvet and went a bit mental over it (our cat doesnt usually get fleas ,so it was probably a one off) she refused to sleep in the bed, so i had it all to myself...first time since we moved in together - and i liked it...i know that doesnt sound nice, but i really liked it...and had a good nights sleep as well!
As every day goes by i am feeling more relaxed and comfortable with myself...the time still isnt right to tell her, but the more i go on the more i know i am going to make the right decision...for everyones sake
Has anyone ever used adultfriendfinder at all? just wondering if its worth signing up...I'm able to look on there at the moment cos i logged in as someone i know who uses it..obviously he doesnt know i know his log in details or the fact he uses it, but its handy nonetheless until i get my own account - naught me!! :-)
One reason the 'talk' is going to be difficult, i think it was wandering pom picked up on in an email or comment, is that my and my wife dont talk much..i know it sounds strange, but i am not a great talker about things...ask me about work, sport, proper stuff and i'm fine, but when it comes to 'proper talking' i'm a bit crap and just dont do it. It goes beyond the 'what are you thinking?' type opener to a talk - my general response is 'nothing' because i dont really spend time thinking and talking about feelings and suchlike. I would say i am quite a detached person in terms of emotion - the only times i have even shed a tear in the last 10 years or so is at an amazing sporting achievement - i know thast really sounds sad doesnt it, but i just dont 'do' emotion - i said this to my wife some time ago and she got really stroppy over it and said that i was lying, but the truth is - i just dont get/dont show emotion. I think i would be a really crap actor to be honest becaise i cant even feign emotion over something i apparently should be able to show emotion over...back to the start of this bit the, the talk is going to be difficult because i am going to struglle being emotional over it which is going to come across as callous, which isnt what i want or am, but i'm not going to be crying and blubbing i dont think...it will be a first if i do. i will haev to think it through properly beforehand..
if youre thinking that i have found time to blog etc...to tell you thhe truth, ive got my work open in another window and keep nipping back to do some whilst blogging, sorry guys
final thing...i'm really loving the fairly new blog called http://hornynhard.blogspot.com/. Its a brilliantly written coming out/being gay from an 18 year old from Scotland. Eddie is giving us a whizz through the last 2/3 years of his life since he got outed, hopefully bringing us up to date soon. I love the honesty he has shown in his blog, plus some of it is quite horny if i am brutally honest as well ;-) He sounds a really great mature guy and, although i dont know him personally, can just hear it being read out loud if that makes sense (from what he has told us about his accent)
Thats all folks...for now
Monday, 12 April 2010
i have just been rushed off my feet over the past few days with work. Anyone who knows me knows i dont do rest and relaxation at the best of times...my idea of rest is doing what i do but slower!!!
I'm also still gay and deciding how best to go forward and am taking all advice ive been given over the past few weeks. My followers on here are now the only people in the world i have actually said those words to apart from myself...its not much, but its a start.
my wife made another random gay comment over the weekend as well, which again has perturbed me somewhat. i know she cant get onto my laptop (she doesnt know the new password), and theres no other things ive allowed to let slip which may cause her suspicions to be raised. I may be reading too much into these comments but its twice theyve come from out of the blue and quite randomly. its been suggested that i use one of these comments to introduce gay friendly things into the conversation, i may do that but in my head it seems forced. I suppose i am lucky that my wife isnt homophobic - shes happy with gay characters on TV and in the news , how she reacts to her own husband is probably a slightly different matter :-), but i'm still pretty upbeat about things
Bye for now!
Friday, 9 April 2010
Although i am having to work tomorrow and part of sunday, working those days never seems as bad as during the week - its much more relaxed, plus tomorrow i have the benefit of working with eye candy :-) theyre both 18 but its strictly a case of just looking!!
i know it sounds silly but i left my wedding ring off for most of the day - (from getting in vehicle for work to wife coming back home) it was strange that removing that little gold band felt so good, kinda liberating really. Over the past couple of weeks I definitely have become more accustomed in my head of accepting i am gay, and it feels right. Up until then I had never said the words out loud even to my self on my own - i couldnt bring myself to say it. Now all i have to do is be able to say it to other people. Its quite funny really (not laugh out loud funny); i never knew who my father was and at school when anyone called me a Bast**d, I'd just turn round and say , 'yeh, so what'. this sort of feels like the same thing.
im just sitting on my own at the moment, the wifes is having a sleep at the moment so i'm having a look for groups/websites for married gay men, to see if there is anything locally i could maybe contact. i am also looking at other web sites as well, but i wont go into too much detail about what types of website they are , but i am sure you can guess ;-)
Thursday, 8 April 2010
@new leaf: i dont know when my gaydar developed but i do hope to put it some use. it was really awkward with her when she said that, i was only texting about football and i thought just a strange thing to be saying -but i do like your potential answer though :-)
@wandering pom: i think and hope friends will be fine when i tell them, as for having someone who is gay to speak to, number 1 is the more caring and considerate, but still...i know everything about his relationships and life and his partners....he just likes talking ;-/
i really dont know what to make of her comments, its really confused me and worried me ...i am pretty sure she doesnt suspect anything but its started me questioning none the less as to why those comments
@two lives: i do agree with some of what you say. to be honest yes i am lost and directionless, but if it makes sense, i am lost and directionless but further down the road in this that i was before. what i want now is to be able to be who i really am, and in my mind thats going to mean telling and leaving my wife and preparing for the proverbial shit to hit the fan!!
i dont really want to 'start being gay' until ive 'stopped being heterosexual' if that makes any sense to people, but its just going to be strange making such a black and white separation, so part of me does feel that i need to start speaking to other gay people and maybe meeting some and start to understand my gay feelings. i know youve been quite blunt in what you have said, but i do need to decide what i do next. i do like your analogy about being in a dark room suddenly flooded with light - that pretty much sums it up. Ive been living in this fog for my whole life and suddenly its clear what i am.......just not clear what to do next :-(
@ The Lion Queen: i know that there are many people are happy to continue living their 2 lives in parallel, but its not for me...i dont want to do that. in my own head i feel that ive lived a lie for so long that i dont want to carry on doing that - i struggle at the moment trying to keep things in my head separate without having to keep whole lives separate
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
ive sort of known thats its guys ive given the second glance to...always - from school, university, work, holidays, in fact anywhere where there are guys to be honest. I was saying to someone the other day, if 2 equally hot man and woman entered the room, its the man i would focus on first...always has been... so why have a i spent my life going out with women!! i am probably what you call a serial monogamist - going from one long term relationship to another from the age of 14-i think part of this was being able to take myself off the market so to speak so any hint of liking men wouldnt surface....in hindsight i feel so stupid for doing this...especially when i went away to university, i could have started my life afresh.
The trouble is i think people i know would be very surprised at me coming out...including the gay ones, which brings me onto a related topic. Apart from fellow gay bloggers, the next logical step should be to speak to real gay people i know (not that you all arent real people :-). i have had gay friends throughout my life and i pretty much guess they would all be very shocked at me coming out. I currently have 2 gay friends - the first is very very camp and ticks all the boxes of a sterotypical gay man, which is what in my head people think of when they hear the word gay - and i dont want that. My second gay friend is my age and came out late and never really accepted his homosexuality. He has alot of issues he still is working out about being gay...an he likes to gossip, so i cant risk coming out to either of them at the moment which is a shame. This second friend set my gaydar off as soon as i met him and he is very straight acting when you meet him at first...yes i do think i have a pretty good gaydar but am just pretty sh*t at using it!!
At school I didnt know anyone in my year that was gay. there was only one guy at school at all i thought was 'different' i dont think he ever came out as being gay at school, but ive now found him on f/b and he is gay, and happily living with his partner. Since leaving school i have found that someone in my class was gay -i never had a clue at school - he is now a full on drag queen and a pretty good one looking at his photos!!
Away from thinking and reminiscing about life, its been a pretty boring day today. tomorrow is going to be a super busy day at work and i doubt i will stop at all to try and get the job done. Ive been having a text conversation tonight with a mate about the football and my wife has been going on about how gay it is doing that and calling me and him gay boys. :-( what do i do.....
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
just to say i am blown away by the support, encouragement and advice i have been receiving.
I always thought i was weird and alone being both married and gay, but it turns out there appears to be alot of 'me' out there, and we all seem to be at different stages in the gay vs marriage dilemma.
its also amazing that alot of aspects of our story are the same. I am spooked in a very nice way by someone who appears to be my 'life twin' in the US, theres only 9 months age difference between us and many of our life characteristics are the same which is really helpful in talking through my experiences - if he turns out to be 5ft 10 tall with brown hair and greeny/grey eyes i would certainly be asking my mother some serious questions if she were still alive today!!
anyway, i'm off now to try and get some sleep since i am on my own at work tomorrow and should really stay awake throughout the day...
Hugs and thanks to everyone
Monday, 5 April 2010
You may wonder how i manage to do all this blogging and reading other peoples blogs when i am a working married man etc... the basic answer is me and my wife both have laptops cos of work so theres not many times we need to use each others except for the time (i know of) she decided to see if i had any porn on my laptop... she found a solitary picture of a naked guy in some folder somewhere i had accidentally misfiled (oops) I passed it off as a torrent download that evidently wasnt what it was suppsoed to be and she bought it ( i think).. i can remember exactly who it was as well which is weird despite it being some time ago ...i can let you know if you want to.
anyway back to the how i manage to lead a split life. my wife spends alot of time sleeping and exercising occasionally in another part of the house leaving me free to do what i want. Even if she is in the same room, were almost always on our laptops for something or another so me typing or reading the screen arent anything unusual...if i started wanking then maybe she would suspect something amiss:-) sorry to bring the level of this blog down somewhat - i apologise!!!
i honestly dont like the deception of this, i really dont but still havent worked out how this is all going to come out in the open so to speak. Theres going to be alot of people out there who arent going to be happy at my stringing my wife along for so long when i have known i was gay, and i deserve it i suppose. i am just not really sure how i got into this position. I just sort of fell into going out with her, fell into moving in with her and fell into marriage really - i cant say for certain that i actually planned any of this. this doesnt really excuse me, but i sort of went along with everything for the ease of it cos it was just sort of how things were panning out anyway.
I do love my wife, i am just not in love with her. Being an only child I dont know what its like to have a sister or brother, but i guess we are more like a brother and sister now, theres nothing sexual between us at all, if we kiss its more of a cute or polite kiss between us rather than a passionate 'i want you' kiss - this is on both our parts She tells me how much she loves me and i mean to her at least once a day, but i think part of it is going through the motions of not nwating to be alone. I really dont think she is happy in the relationship, but happy with me if that makes any sort of sense????
I would like to think we would still be friends when this all comes out but i think it will hurt her too much. She will be hurt not necessarily by the fact i am gay, but by the deception of it all. Years and years ago i told her about when I lost my virginity to a girl where i worked on a saturday (called Sue), i casually mentioned much later (weeks)that i still exchanged cards and letters with Sue from my old work - she drove round to where i lived (having a minor accident on the way) to confront me as to why i was still in contact with her..it turns out actually there were 2 Sues where i worked and it wasnt the one i lost my virginity to that i kept in touch with, but she was ready to break it off with me because of this. mmmm thats one memory that ive only just remembered which may have a bearing on things....
See anohter of these random things that i have only just remembered. I suppose the fact that i have got over 20 years of suspected gay feelings to piece together means there will be alot more of these along the way.
I just remembered another one now - see what youve all done :-) I remember saving up to buy an Amstrad Notebook Computer many years ago - it was really a posh name for an electronic typewriter with calendar and a bit of memory - i actually still have the machine in the garage, anyway, on this machine you could set up a secret file with a password and in that secret file i wrote a fictional story about me and my best friend and what i would have liekd to have happened with him. It was very explicit if i remember rightly. I have tried to get into that file since but cant remember the password which isnt much good - just to see what i was feeling then.
i may try and again now i am a bit more tech savvy and see if i can crack it.
Anyway, i can hear the exercise equipment has stopped upstairs now so i had better go back to my fake life
take care everyone and thanks for stopping by
also i have set up one of these formspring things so you can find out more about me if i dont put it down on my blog. i will try and answer everything honestly unless it compromises my outward existence - hopefully at some point soon i will only have one true life to lead :-)
i spent alot of yesterday having a read through other peoples blogs. i discovered Chris/Razz' blog http://doinmeheadin.blogspot.com/and the memorial one as well http://inmemoryofrazz.blogspot.com/. It does make you sad when someone loses their life who has managed to do so much in their lives in such as short time AND make a difference to other peoples lives as well. He must have been a very special guy to touch so many people.. I also read thru Pilgims blog http://laroutedepilgrim.blogspot.com/and saw how he was inspired to start his blog partly due to Razz. I cant believe how much Pilgrim manages to do in the day - i dont think he can get much sleep - he is amazing and seems another genuinely nice guy.
i will sign off for now, but will be back soon :-)
Sunday, 4 April 2010
ive started emailing with someone about what i'm going through and finding its really helping - am starting to feel a huge weight slowly starting to come off my shoulders...
this is the first time ive ever 'talked' to anyone about whats going on in my head
By the way, Happy Easter to everyone. ive already eaten far too much chocolate already, like i do every year :-)
i will blog again soon
Bye for now
Thursday, 1 April 2010
also i have been thinking its friday today all day...even though i am working tomorrow (poor me) - i kept doing all the things i do friday today...not that i am regimented like that and a routine freak!!!
got some chocolate for easter today from collegaues which was very nice. i usually go to Thorntons and get people eggs with their names on - they seem to like the thought behind it...i remember when i was a kid i got one every year and loved it:-)
thinking of finding myself a fuck buddy - any recommendations of where to find one?
Monday, 29 March 2010
Nothing sort of day really at work - just kept plodding along and suddenly it was time for me to go home.
since i got home, ive been catching up on other people (more interesting) blogs...and did some exercise
bye for now
Sunday, 28 March 2010
i remember at junior school i had a friend called michael, he wasnt my best friend or anything, or i spent alot of time hanging round with him, but i remember liking him in a different way to other people - i dont know what it was about him that made me feel like that - i found a photo of him the other day with anther friend and cant see anything to suggest why i liked him differently to others.
At senior school, my best friend was P (name altered to protect the innocent etc etc)and although i didnt fancy him, he was the closest i have ever felt to anyone - maybe it was bromance, i dont know. my biggest regret is not being as good friend to him once we left school.
Saturday, 27 March 2010
will try and remember what i said
Wow! ive got Torchy! following me http://torchyboy.blogspot.com/ -ive read his whole blog nd like many others, he has been an inspiration to me - thanks :-)
ive also dipped in and out of http://soitsgettingbetter.blogspot.com and really enjoy his writing - and not a million miles away geographically either
A couple of shout outs as well
http://hummybscloset.blogspot.com/ - only just disocvered his blog but its honest funny and candid about his life in Pakistan
http://confusedschoolboy.blogspot.com/ -i had a dysfunctional upbringing and it can be very difficult trying to balance everything in your life - but hes doing a great job and deserves to get everything he is working for
Am watching football at the moment. The need to get early nite since the cloks go forward here and i want to watch the Aussie Grand Prix live
Thanks for reading me
i hadnt even noticed i'd got comments so thank you for those - its much appreciated
i will go back and reply and comment on those inabit - so if you left a comment 8 months ago it may confuse you getting a reply now . :-)
Nothing really changed with me - i nearly just came out and told my wife today, but couldnt go thru with it :-(
i like being with her and we have fun and i love her, but i just dont think i am in love with her.
The longer it goes on, the unhappoer i am , and probably not doing my best at making her happy, but its just too hard