Thursday, 29 April 2010

sorry for the lack of blogging...

sorry i havent been blogging for the past few days...i'm still snowed under with work and got at least another week of this madness ahead of me, but thought i'd show my face (so to speak) to say I am still here.

I dont have a 9 to 5 job as i work for myself and its a job i can do 24 hours a day....obviously i dont work 24 hours a day but often work 16-18 hours some days and when something comes up then i just have to work to get things done:-( and i'm my own worst enemy at stopping work and putting my feet up.

Personally though not alots been happening this week really

i will try and reply to messages etc tomorrow

Saturday, 24 April 2010

back to the 1990s

i was sorting out my study yesterday (do not get a glorified impression of my study - its a 6ft by 6ft box filled with a desk, chair, and lots of books), and came across my notebook i had over the years with various writings of mine in - poems, prose, songs etc. i have added to it periodically when the mood takes me, and they may not be great or profound or skilled writing, but they are mine and my thoughts.

I wrote this in 1990

"Dont you wish that sometimes
you could just write something
out, which you needed to get out of
yourself, but you know that you
cant, because someone may find
out what you have written and
it could cause endless complications
if you wrote what wasn't the
truth, but only what you
perceived it to be, or thought it
to be at a certain time, and
might not be anymore, but
you had to let it out because
if you didnt, it would just
well up inside and never get
You know what I mean!"

I think we all know what i was talking about here 20 years ago!!!

20 years ago i suppose that was the equivalent of a blog post - but one which no one would ever see, but something i needed to get out of me...even if it was in the most cryptic way possible

i may post some more of my writings at some point - some of them are also related to my sexuality.

One story i wrote was based around a short break i spent at Uni with a girl in Chichester, and I wrote it as a diary in the style of Andy Warhols Diary (which is worth a read) - anyhoo, the point being, in this diary, i wrote that one of her male friends was cute - looking back i am surprised i wrote that then...even though he really was ;-)

that was more of a ramble than a blog post, but it interested me

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

about last weekend...

sorry the last post was a bit can probably tell i wasnt the happiest little bunny...

things werent going well last weekend and the long and short of it was my wife was starting to get her stuff together to walk out.....and i stopped i'm in the same position i was in before :-(

ive been chatting with a couple of people so will paraphrase some of what i was saying to them whilst it was fresh in my mind

I wrote the blog comments cos i was just really angry at myself that i didnt allow what was going to hapoen, happen. I was fristrated with a situation that i had visualised that i wanted, but actually wanst mentally ready to deal with it at the time.

During the argument and her preparing to walk out, all i thought about was what would happen to her. i would have been happy to be the one to leave as i think i could have coped better with that and was guilty about her leaving to go, who knows where??

you may think i was fearful about what would happen and thats what stopped me, but i dont really fear the future after i come out, because i am going to be able to live my whole life for the first time in my life, not 2 separate lives.

Anyway, after it had happened and i had blogged and calmed down a bit, i'm a bit more chilled about things....i think it has made me think more about how i will come out to my wife. obviously i cant predict when this will happen, but think that i am a bit better prepared in my head for the future.....

4 days later and things havent wife keeps telling me how much she loves me...which is nice but just builds up the guilt inside me... :-(

Sunday, 18 April 2010

whats wrong with me?

What the f*** is wrong with me...shes on the verge of walking out and leaving me, and i stop her!!!

Thursday, 15 April 2010

work - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

what is is with work over the last couple of weeks...i cant remember the last time i had a day off but its over 2 weeks at not getting up after 730 in the morning and its really starting to take its toll. i reckon ive got another manic week before i can stop for a bit.

you can tell im really busy cos

a... i havent been blogging that much, and
b... i havent even had the time or energy for a 'barclays' since monday - and thats just not on!!!

Nothing 'gay' to report this week either, i'm still not wearing my wedding ring during the day as well

last night had the bed all to myself...the wife found a flea on top of the duvet and went a bit mental over it (our cat doesnt usually get fleas ,so it was probably a one off) she refused to sleep in the bed, so i had it all to myself...first time since we moved in together - and i liked it...i know that doesnt sound nice, but i really liked it...and had a good nights sleep as well!

As every day goes by i am feeling more relaxed and comfortable with myself...the time still isnt right to tell her, but the more i go on the more i know i am going to make the right decision...for everyones sake

Has anyone ever used adultfriendfinder at all? just wondering if its worth signing up...I'm able to look on there at the moment cos i logged in as someone i know who uses it..obviously he doesnt know i know his log in details or the fact he uses it, but its handy nonetheless until i get my own account - naught me!! :-)

One reason the 'talk' is going to be difficult, i think it was wandering pom picked up on in an email or comment, is that my and my wife dont talk much..i know it sounds strange, but i am not a great talker about things...ask me about work, sport, proper stuff and i'm fine, but when it comes to 'proper talking' i'm a bit crap and just dont do it. It goes beyond the 'what are you thinking?' type opener to a talk - my general response is 'nothing' because i dont really spend time thinking and talking about feelings and suchlike. I would say i am quite a detached person in terms of emotion - the only times i have even shed a tear in the last 10 years or so is at an amazing sporting achievement - i know thast really sounds sad doesnt it, but i just dont 'do' emotion - i said this to my wife some time ago and she got really stroppy over it and said that i was lying, but the truth is - i just dont get/dont show emotion. I think i would be a really crap actor to be honest becaise i cant even feign emotion over something i apparently should be able to show emotion over...back to the start of this bit the, the talk is going to be difficult because i am going to struglle being emotional over it which is going to come across as callous, which isnt what i want or am, but i'm not going to be crying and blubbing i dont will be a first if i do. i will haev to think it through properly beforehand..

if youre thinking that i have found time to blog tell you thhe truth, ive got my work open in another window and keep nipping back to do some whilst blogging, sorry guys

final thing...i'm really loving the fairly new blog called Its a brilliantly written coming out/being gay from an 18 year old from Scotland. Eddie is giving us a whizz through the last 2/3 years of his life since he got outed, hopefully bringing us up to date soon. I love the honesty he has shown in his blog, plus some of it is quite horny if i am brutally honest as well ;-) He sounds a really great mature guy and, although i dont know him personally, can just hear it being read out loud if that makes sense (from what he has told us about his accent)

Thats all folks...for now

Monday, 12 April 2010

still here...

i havent gone away and abandoned you all.

i have just been rushed off my feet over the past few days with work. Anyone who knows me knows i dont do rest and relaxation at the best of idea of rest is doing what i do but slower!!!

I'm also still gay and deciding how best to go forward and am taking all advice ive been given over the past few weeks. My followers on here are now the only people in the world i have actually said those words to apart from myself...its not much, but its a start.

my wife made another random gay comment over the weekend as well, which again has perturbed me somewhat. i know she cant get onto my laptop (she doesnt know the new password), and theres no other things ive allowed to let slip which may cause her suspicions to be raised. I may be reading too much into these comments but its twice theyve come from out of the blue and quite randomly. its been suggested that i use one of these comments to introduce gay friendly things into the conversation, i may do that but in my head it seems forced. I suppose i am lucky that my wife isnt homophobic - shes happy with gay characters on TV and in the news , how she reacts to her own husband is probably a slightly different matter :-), but i'm still pretty upbeat about things

Bye for now!

Friday, 9 April 2010

another week

i can believe how fast the days and weeks are going at the doesnt seem 2 minutes since it was christmas. this week has just flown by, but then i have been pretty busy all week.

Although i am having to work tomorrow and part of sunday, working those days never seems as bad as during the week - its much more relaxed, plus tomorrow i have the benefit of working with eye candy :-) theyre both 18 but its strictly a case of just looking!!

i know it sounds silly but i left my wedding ring off for most of the day - (from getting in vehicle for work to wife coming back home) it was strange that removing that little gold band felt so good, kinda liberating really. Over the past couple of weeks I definitely have become more accustomed in my head of accepting i am gay, and it feels right. Up until then I had never said the words out loud even to my self on my own - i couldnt bring myself to say it. Now all i have to do is be able to say it to other people. Its quite funny really (not laugh out loud funny); i never knew who my father was and at school when anyone called me a Bast**d, I'd just turn round and say , 'yeh, so what'. this sort of feels like the same thing.

im just sitting on my own at the moment, the wifes is having a sleep at the moment so i'm having a look for groups/websites for married gay men, to see if there is anything locally i could maybe contact. i am also looking at other web sites as well, but i wont go into too much detail about what types of website they are , but i am sure you can guess ;-)

Thursday, 8 April 2010


just to thank everyone for their comments, i appreciate all of them and the angle that theyre coming from. the ones from my last post certainly seem to have got a debate going at least :-)

@new leaf: i dont know when my gaydar developed but i do hope to put it some use. it was really awkward with her when she said that, i was only texting about football and i thought just a strange thing to be saying -but i do like your potential answer though :-)

@wandering pom: i think and hope friends will be fine when i tell them, as for having someone who is gay to speak to, number 1 is the more caring and considerate, but still...i know everything about his relationships and life and his partners....he just likes talking ;-/

i really dont know what to make of her comments, its really confused me and worried me ...i am pretty sure she doesnt suspect anything but its started me questioning none the less as to why those comments

@two lives: i do agree with some of what you say. to be honest yes i am lost and directionless, but if it makes sense, i am lost and directionless but further down the road in this that i was before. what i want now is to be able to be who i really am, and in my mind thats going to mean telling and leaving my wife and preparing for the proverbial shit to hit the fan!!

i dont really want to 'start being gay' until ive 'stopped being heterosexual' if that makes any sense to people, but its just going to be strange making such a black and white separation, so part of me does feel that i need to start speaking to other gay people and maybe meeting some and start to understand my gay feelings. i know youve been quite blunt in what you have said, but i do need to decide what i do next. i do like your analogy about being in a dark room suddenly flooded with light - that pretty much sums it up. Ive been living in this fog for my whole life and suddenly its clear what i am.......just not clear what to do next :-(

@ The Lion Queen: i know that there are many people are happy to continue living their 2 lives in parallel, but its not for me...i dont want to do that. in my own head i feel that ive lived a lie for so long that i dont want to carry on doing that - i struggle at the moment trying to keep things in my head separate without having to keep whole lives separate

Thanks everyone

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

what do i do thats gay?

ive never done anything sexual with another boy/man (so far ;-p)the opportunity never came up and i think i would probably have chickened out if it had. the nearest gay interaction i think i had was when once of my gay friends said i had the most beauiful ankles he had ever seen... i suppose its a compliment.

ive sort of known thats its guys ive given the second glance to...always - from school, university, work, holidays, in fact anywhere where there are guys to be honest. I was saying to someone the other day, if 2 equally hot man and woman entered the room, its the man i would focus on first...always has been... so why have a i spent my life going out with women!! i am probably what you call a serial monogamist - going from one long term relationship to another from the age of 14-i think part of this was being able to take myself off the market so to speak so any hint of liking men wouldnt hindsight i feel so stupid for doing this...especially when i went away to university, i could have started my life afresh.

The trouble is i think people i know would be very surprised at me coming out...including the gay ones, which brings me onto a related topic. Apart from fellow gay bloggers, the next logical step should be to speak to real gay people i know (not that you all arent real people :-). i have had gay friends throughout my life and i pretty much guess they would all be very shocked at me coming out. I currently have 2 gay friends - the first is very very camp and ticks all the boxes of a sterotypical gay man, which is what in my head people think of when they hear the word gay - and i dont want that. My second gay friend is my age and came out late and never really accepted his homosexuality. He has alot of issues he still is working out about being he likes to gossip, so i cant risk coming out to either of them at the moment which is a shame. This second friend set my gaydar off as soon as i met him and he is very straight acting when you meet him at first...yes i do think i have a pretty good gaydar but am just pretty sh*t at using it!!

At school I didnt know anyone in my year that was gay. there was only one guy at school at all i thought was 'different' i dont think he ever came out as being gay at school, but ive now found him on f/b and he is gay, and happily living with his partner. Since leaving school i have found that someone in my class was gay -i never had a clue at school - he is now a full on drag queen and a pretty good one looking at his photos!!

Away from thinking and reminiscing about life, its been a pretty boring day today. tomorrow is going to be a super busy day at work and i doubt i will stop at all to try and get the job done. Ive been having a text conversation tonight with a mate about the football and my wife has been going on about how gay it is doing that and calling me and him gay boys. :-( what do i do.....

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

just a little one today

just a short post today.

just to say i am blown away by the support, encouragement and advice i have been receiving.

I always thought i was weird and alone being both married and gay, but it turns out there appears to be alot of 'me' out there, and we all seem to be at different stages in the gay vs marriage dilemma.

its also amazing that alot of aspects of our story are the same. I am spooked in a very nice way by someone who appears to be my 'life twin' in the US, theres only 9 months age difference between us and many of our life characteristics are the same which is really helpful in talking through my experiences - if he turns out to be 5ft 10 tall with brown hair and greeny/grey eyes i would certainly be asking my mother some serious questions if she were still alive today!!

anyway, i'm off now to try and get some sleep since i am on my own at work tomorrow and should really stay awake throughout the day...

Hugs and thanks to everyone

Monday, 5 April 2010

three times today

when i am not at work i end up just pottering around and not achieving much ... hence the third post today.

You may wonder how i manage to do all this blogging and reading other peoples blogs when i am a working married man etc... the basic answer is me and my wife both have laptops cos of work so theres not many times we need to use each others except for the time (i know of) she decided to see if i had any porn on my laptop... she found a solitary picture of a naked guy in some folder somewhere i had accidentally misfiled (oops) I passed it off as a torrent download that evidently wasnt what it was suppsoed to be and she bought it ( i think).. i can remember exactly who it was as well which is weird despite it being some time ago ...i can let you know if you want to.

anyway back to the how i manage to lead a split life. my wife spends alot of time sleeping and exercising occasionally in another part of the house leaving me free to do what i want. Even if she is in the same room, were almost always on our laptops for something or another so me typing or reading the screen arent anything unusual...if i started wanking then maybe she would suspect something amiss:-) sorry to bring the level of this blog down somewhat - i apologise!!!

i honestly dont like the deception of this, i really dont but still havent worked out how this is all going to come out in the open so to speak. Theres going to be alot of people out there who arent going to be happy at my stringing my wife along for so long when i have known i was gay, and i deserve it i suppose. i am just not really sure how i got into this position. I just sort of fell into going out with her, fell into moving in with her and fell into marriage really - i cant say for certain that i actually planned any of this. this doesnt really excuse me, but i sort of went along with everything for the ease of it cos it was just sort of how things were panning out anyway.

I do love my wife, i am just not in love with her. Being an only child I dont know what its like to have a sister or brother, but i guess we are more like a brother and sister now, theres nothing sexual between us at all, if we kiss its more of a cute or polite kiss between us rather than a passionate 'i want you' kiss - this is on both our parts She tells me how much she loves me and i mean to her at least once a day, but i think part of it is going through the motions of not nwating to be alone. I really dont think she is happy in the relationship, but happy with me if that makes any sort of sense????

I would like to think we would still be friends when this all comes out but i think it will hurt her too much. She will be hurt not necessarily by the fact i am gay, but by the deception of it all. Years and years ago i told her about when I lost my virginity to a girl where i worked on a saturday (called Sue), i casually mentioned much later (weeks)that i still exchanged cards and letters with Sue from my old work - she drove round to where i lived (having a minor accident on the way) to confront me as to why i was still in contact with turns out actually there were 2 Sues where i worked and it wasnt the one i lost my virginity to that i kept in touch with, but she was ready to break it off with me because of this. mmmm thats one memory that ive only just remembered which may have a bearing on things....

See anohter of these random things that i have only just remembered. I suppose the fact that i have got over 20 years of suspected gay feelings to piece together means there will be alot more of these along the way.

I just remembered another one now - see what youve all done :-) I remember saving up to buy an Amstrad Notebook Computer many years ago - it was really a posh name for an electronic typewriter with calendar and a bit of memory - i actually still have the machine in the garage, anyway, on this machine you could set up a secret file with a password and in that secret file i wrote a fictional story about me and my best friend and what i would have liekd to have happened with him. It was very explicit if i remember rightly. I have tried to get into that file since but cant remember the password which isnt much good - just to see what i was feeling then.

i may try and again now i am a bit more tech savvy and see if i can crack it.

Anyway, i can hear the exercise equipment has stopped upstairs now so i had better go back to my fake life

take care everyone and thanks for stopping by


back so soon

i know, youre thinking its him again, but just want to apologise for past and future blogs if they are all over the place. i will honestly try and structure them with bits about my past along with day to day stuff as well, but realise that sometimes words just keep spewing on a page, often randomly - so sorry for that.

also i have set up one of these formspring things so you can find out more about me if i dont put it down on my blog. i will try and answer everything honestly unless it compromises my outward existence - hopefully at some point soon i will only have one true life to lead :-)

day off - yay!!!

i have a day off work today which i am very grateful for. Generally i work every day for at least part of the day, and even though i may do a bit of work today, its different if i am sitting at home doing it with some coffee and snacks.

i spent alot of yesterday having a read through other peoples blogs. i discovered Chris/Razz' blog the memorial one as well It does make you sad when someone loses their life who has managed to do so much in their lives in such as short time AND make a difference to other peoples lives as well. He must have been a very special guy to touch so many people.. I also read thru Pilgims blog saw how he was inspired to start his blog partly due to Razz. I cant believe how much Pilgrim manages to do in the day - i dont think he can get much sleep - he is amazing and seems another genuinely nice guy.

i will sign off for now, but will be back soon :-)

Sunday, 4 April 2010

some relief....

...not that type of relief

ive started emailing with someone about what i'm going through and finding its really helping - am starting to feel a huge weight slowly starting to come off my shoulders...

this is the first time ive ever 'talked' to anyone about whats going on in my head

By the way, Happy Easter to everyone. ive already eaten far too much chocolate already, like i do every year :-)

i will blog again soon

Bye for now

Thursday, 1 April 2010

head spinning

been a bit of a crappy day really - nothing major, just little things bugging me.

also i have been thinking its friday today all day...even though i am working tomorrow (poor me) - i kept doing all the things i do friday today...not that i am regimented like that and a routine freak!!!

got some chocolate for easter today from collegaues which was very nice. i usually go to Thorntons and get people eggs with their names on - they seem to like the thought behind it...i remember when i was a kid i got one every year and loved it:-)

thinking of finding myself a fuck buddy - any recommendations of where to find one?