Wednesday, 7 April 2010

what do i do thats gay?

ive never done anything sexual with another boy/man (so far ;-p)the opportunity never came up and i think i would probably have chickened out if it had. the nearest gay interaction i think i had was when once of my gay friends said i had the most beauiful ankles he had ever seen... i suppose its a compliment.

ive sort of known thats its guys ive given the second glance to...always - from school, university, work, holidays, in fact anywhere where there are guys to be honest. I was saying to someone the other day, if 2 equally hot man and woman entered the room, its the man i would focus on first...always has been... so why have a i spent my life going out with women!! i am probably what you call a serial monogamist - going from one long term relationship to another from the age of 14-i think part of this was being able to take myself off the market so to speak so any hint of liking men wouldnt hindsight i feel so stupid for doing this...especially when i went away to university, i could have started my life afresh.

The trouble is i think people i know would be very surprised at me coming out...including the gay ones, which brings me onto a related topic. Apart from fellow gay bloggers, the next logical step should be to speak to real gay people i know (not that you all arent real people :-). i have had gay friends throughout my life and i pretty much guess they would all be very shocked at me coming out. I currently have 2 gay friends - the first is very very camp and ticks all the boxes of a sterotypical gay man, which is what in my head people think of when they hear the word gay - and i dont want that. My second gay friend is my age and came out late and never really accepted his homosexuality. He has alot of issues he still is working out about being he likes to gossip, so i cant risk coming out to either of them at the moment which is a shame. This second friend set my gaydar off as soon as i met him and he is very straight acting when you meet him at first...yes i do think i have a pretty good gaydar but am just pretty sh*t at using it!!

At school I didnt know anyone in my year that was gay. there was only one guy at school at all i thought was 'different' i dont think he ever came out as being gay at school, but ive now found him on f/b and he is gay, and happily living with his partner. Since leaving school i have found that someone in my class was gay -i never had a clue at school - he is now a full on drag queen and a pretty good one looking at his photos!!

Away from thinking and reminiscing about life, its been a pretty boring day today. tomorrow is going to be a super busy day at work and i doubt i will stop at all to try and get the job done. Ive been having a text conversation tonight with a mate about the football and my wife has been going on about how gay it is doing that and calling me and him gay boys. :-( what do i do.....


  1. My gaydar sucks. Unless they're campy or something. But otherwise, I would have to actually trip over them having sex with a man before I suspected something. Unless they're really hot - then I have projectile gaydar. I try to wish gay onto them - so far it hasn't worked :(

    So your wife is calling you and a friend gay boys for texting about football? That's a bit awkward. You could always say "you know, I think you might be right. I'm gonna give this gay thing a go. See ya!" Just kidding. Don't do that.

    I don't think I'd call someone calling your ankles beautiful a gay moment. Now if he started rubbing them lustfully - that's gay.


  2. I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you seem lost and directionless. You need a plan.

    What is that you want most right now? A gay confidant? To experiment? Casual gay friends to go out with? Something else?

    The internet provides a multitude of ways to meet guys. The thing is that you have to be clear about what you want. Tell us what you want and we can try to point you in the right direction.

  3. Hi there, JSL

    Thanks for posting again: lots more interesting stuff.

    I know just what you mean about university: having got myself into a certain frame of mind about my sexuality during my teenage years, I just carried on the same way thereafter. If I had come out then, I suspect things would have rather different later on. But I guess looking back and wishing things had been different doesn't do much to help us move forward now.

    Your friends may well be very surprised if/when you come out, but I would hope you have at least one or two understanding ones whose strongest response is something like, "Why on earth didn't you do this years ago?". Whatever you do, you're going to overturn someone's assumptions about you by coming out - the important thing is how they react to their new knowledge of you. A gay friend is more likely to be understanding - after all, they've already been through this process - but that doesn't mean they're your only choices.

    Gay friend 1 sounds like a definite possibility to me. Just because he's very camp shouldn't rule him out, though if he is also a gossip you might want to be more wary. And just because he's camp doesn't mean you have to be: "gay" just means which part of the human race you're attracted to, not how you have to behave. The important thing is that you're comfortable with who and what you are. Also, gay friend 1's camp exterior may disguise a caring and discreet person within. He may well have good reason in his own past to value people being discreet about him. Perhaps you could raise the subject of his own coming out with him? It should be possible to do this without "blowing your cover", as it were, though I guess it might raise some suspicions in his mind.

    Gay friend 2 sounds more dangerous as someone to come out to, if you want discretion. If he's still working his own issues out, it's hard to tell how he will react, especially if he's inclined to gossip as well.

    One other thought: how about your school friend? I guess though that if you've just found him on Facebook you haven't been in close touch for quite some time.

    I'm not sure what to make of your wife's comments about your texting. It doesn't sound very encouraging for any sort of relationship, to be honest.

    @TwoLives: at the risk of putting words in JSL's mouth, I'm not sure that he knows what he wants right now, other than a way out of a situation that was becoming unbearable. This discussion started less than a week ago, and there's twenty years or more of ingrained habits of thought and behaviour to come to terms with. I think the way forward will become clearer over time, as the thoughts and ideas are bounced back and forth.

    Take care


  4. @Mark - I agree completely: "the way forward will become clearer over time" - self-discovery is a journey not a destination.

    I didn't mean to suggest JSL needs a detailed, well-thought out plan with incremental objectives and a final goal. Rather, I just wanted to push him a little to think about what he'd like to do next. And it doesn't matter much what he decides. He could decide to do nothing, but that's still a plan. Right now he appears somewhat stunned and lost---like he's been in a dark room for twenty years and suddenly the room has been flooded with light, blinding him. Now what?

    JSL - Now that you have accepted yourself as gay, what do you want to do next?

  5. Why do you feel a need to "come out" or tell anyone? I find the best part of being married and enjoying men is the keeping it to myself. Eventually you will find friends in the same situation - there's loads of us - and you can share with him!

    Great blog!