Thursday, 8 April 2010


just to thank everyone for their comments, i appreciate all of them and the angle that theyre coming from. the ones from my last post certainly seem to have got a debate going at least :-)

@new leaf: i dont know when my gaydar developed but i do hope to put it some use. it was really awkward with her when she said that, i was only texting about football and i thought just a strange thing to be saying -but i do like your potential answer though :-)

@wandering pom: i think and hope friends will be fine when i tell them, as for having someone who is gay to speak to, number 1 is the more caring and considerate, but still...i know everything about his relationships and life and his partners....he just likes talking ;-/

i really dont know what to make of her comments, its really confused me and worried me ...i am pretty sure she doesnt suspect anything but its started me questioning none the less as to why those comments

@two lives: i do agree with some of what you say. to be honest yes i am lost and directionless, but if it makes sense, i am lost and directionless but further down the road in this that i was before. what i want now is to be able to be who i really am, and in my mind thats going to mean telling and leaving my wife and preparing for the proverbial shit to hit the fan!!

i dont really want to 'start being gay' until ive 'stopped being heterosexual' if that makes any sense to people, but its just going to be strange making such a black and white separation, so part of me does feel that i need to start speaking to other gay people and maybe meeting some and start to understand my gay feelings. i know youve been quite blunt in what you have said, but i do need to decide what i do next. i do like your analogy about being in a dark room suddenly flooded with light - that pretty much sums it up. Ive been living in this fog for my whole life and suddenly its clear what i am.......just not clear what to do next :-(

@ The Lion Queen: i know that there are many people are happy to continue living their 2 lives in parallel, but its not for me...i dont want to do that. in my own head i feel that ive lived a lie for so long that i dont want to carry on doing that - i struggle at the moment trying to keep things in my head separate without having to keep whole lives separate

Thanks everyone


  1. JSL - If you are (mostly) certain that you want to tell and leave your wife, you have begun down a path. But you cannot go through that nightmare alone. I'm not in the UK so I'm at a disadvantage, however I found this website that looked promising:

    There's a telephone number you can ring so you might try it and see if there are any local groups.

    In the US is a very active on-line community where you can put an advert for men seeking men - strictly platonic. There must be a something similar in the UK, a place where can post that you are looking for a platonic gay friend, maybe someone who was married and come out.

    TLQ may have some better ideas.

  2. Hi there, JSL

    Hmmm... it sounds as if friend 1 might not be ideal either, at least not as the first friend to come out too.

    About your wife's "gay" comments: they struck me as rather strange as well. I can't see why texting someone should be regarded as "gay" in either of the current senses of that word. Could you tell her that you're surprised by what she said, and ask her why she said that? I'm guessing that the two of you don't discuss things very much.

    You also said, "i dont really want to 'start being gay' until ive 'stopped being heterosexual'". Yes, this does make sense to me. In one of your earlier posts, you described yourself as a "serial monogamist", and I think this is another expression of the same character trait. In particular, I sense that you need to end your current relationship before you start another one. If that's what you feel comfortable with, that's fine - you know best what feels right for you. It certainly makes the path ahead more straightforward, even if some of the steps on it are still quite difficult.

    Take care


  3. Hi JSL -

    It's quite possible that when you do come out the shit may not hit the fan. It really didn't with my wife. I thought it might - but she took the news fairly well. As I've said in my blog - we have our ups and downs as a result of my coming out - but overall it hasn't been so bad.

    I think you might be reading too much into her comment about the texting with your friend. It may mean absolutely nothing - in which case your burning a lot of calories for no reason. If she does suspect something - that might work to your advantage. She may be preparing herself for your coming out. Either way - it's not the end of the world. Granted - it's easy for me to sit over here and tell you not to worry about it - but if you're planning on coming out anyway, this is really a non-issue. But I do understand how uncomfortable it is - I've over-analyzed many comments in my day.

    As TwoLives said - it is possible to meet platonic friends online. I met someone on craigslist who is a platonic friend. We meet once every few weeks for dinner or a movie. It's great, because there's no sexual tension - no expectations of sex - nothing. We talk about whatever. Sometimes it's gay related, sometime not. He's actually my first gay friend. But he understands my situation - so I can speak freely about it.

    I know craigslist exists in the UK - but I think it's considerably smaller there. Don't go to a gay bar expecting to meet someone to talk to - they just want to get in your pants.

    I've seen some online dating profiles where people say they're just looking for friends, so that might be an option.


  4. deciding what to do next ... an incredibly paralyzing proposition that I can identify with completely.