what do i do thats gay?

ive never done anything sexual with another boy/man (so far ;-p)the opportunity never came up and i think i would probably have chickened out if it had. the nearest gay interaction i think i had was when once of my gay friends said i had the most beauiful ankles he had ever seen... i suppose its a compliment.

ive sort of known thats its guys ive given the second glance to...always - from school, university, work, holidays, in fact anywhere where there are guys to be honest. I was saying to someone the other day, if 2 equally hot man and woman entered the room, its the man i would focus on first...always has been... so why have a i spent my life going out with women!! i am probably what you call a serial monogamist - going from one long term relationship to another from the age of 14-i think part of this was being able to take myself off the market so to speak so any hint of liking men wouldnt surface....in hindsight i feel so stupid for doing this...especially when i went away to university, i could have started my life afresh.

The trouble is i think people i know would be very surprised at me coming out...including the gay ones, which brings me onto a related topic. Apart from fellow gay bloggers, the next logical step should be to speak to real gay people i know (not that you all arent real people :-). i have had gay friends throughout my life and i pretty much guess they would all be very shocked at me coming out. I currently have 2 gay friends - the first is very very camp and ticks all the boxes of a sterotypical gay man, which is what in my head people think of when they hear the word gay - and i dont want that. My second gay friend is my age and came out late and never really accepted his homosexuality. He has alot of issues he still is working out about being gay...an he likes to gossip, so i cant risk coming out to either of them at the moment which is a shame. This second friend set my gaydar off as soon as i met him and he is very straight acting when you meet him at first...yes i do think i have a pretty good gaydar but am just pretty sh*t at using it!!

At school I didnt know anyone in my year that was gay. there was only one guy at school at all i thought was 'different' i dont think he ever came out as being gay at school, but ive now found him on f/b and he is gay, and happily living with his partner. Since leaving school i have found that someone in my class was gay -i never had a clue at school - he is now a full on drag queen and a pretty good one looking at his photos!!

Away from thinking and reminiscing about life, its been a pretty boring day today. tomorrow is going to be a super busy day at work and i doubt i will stop at all to try and get the job done. Ive been having a text conversation tonight with a mate about the football and my wife has been going on about how gay it is doing that and calling me and him gay boys. :-( what do i do.....

just a little one today

just a short post today.

just to say i am blown away by the support, encouragement and advice i have been receiving.

I always thought i was weird and alone being both married and gay, but it turns out there appears to be alot of 'me' out there, and we all seem to be at different stages in the gay vs marriage dilemma.

its also amazing that alot of aspects of our story are the same. I am spooked in a very nice way by someone who appears to be my 'life twin' in the US, theres only 9 months age difference between us and many of our life characteristics are the same which is really helpful in talking through my experiences - if he turns out to be 5ft 10 tall with brown hair and greeny/grey eyes i would certainly be asking my mother some serious questions if she were still alive today!!

anyway, i'm off now to try and get some sleep since i am on my own at work tomorrow and should really stay awake throughout the day...

Hugs and thanks to everyone

three times today

when i am not at work i end up just pottering around and not achieving much ... hence the third post today.

You may wonder how i manage to do all this blogging and reading other peoples blogs when i am a working married man etc... the basic answer is me and my wife both have laptops cos of work so theres not many times we need to use each others except for the time (i know of) she decided to see if i had any porn on my laptop... she found a solitary picture of a naked guy in some folder somewhere i had accidentally misfiled (oops) I passed it off as a torrent download that evidently wasnt what it was suppsoed to be and she bought it ( i think).. i can remember exactly who it was as well which is weird despite it being some time ago ...i can let you know if you want to.

anyway back to the how i manage to lead a split life. my wife spends alot of time sleeping and exercising occasionally in another part of the house leaving me free to do what i want. Even if she is in the same room, were almost always on our laptops for something or another so me typing or reading the screen arent anything unusual...if i started wanking then maybe she would suspect something amiss:-) sorry to bring the level of this blog down somewhat - i apologise!!!

i honestly dont like the deception of this, i really dont but still havent worked out how this is all going to come out in the open so to speak. Theres going to be alot of people out there who arent going to be happy at my stringing my wife along for so long when i have known i was gay, and i deserve it i suppose. i am just not really sure how i got into this position. I just sort of fell into going out with her, fell into moving in with her and fell into marriage really - i cant say for certain that i actually planned any of this. this doesnt really excuse me, but i sort of went along with everything for the ease of it cos it was just sort of how things were panning out anyway.

I do love my wife, i am just not in love with her. Being an only child I dont know what its like to have a sister or brother, but i guess we are more like a brother and sister now, theres nothing sexual between us at all, if we kiss its more of a cute or polite kiss between us rather than a passionate 'i want you' kiss - this is on both our parts She tells me how much she loves me and i mean to her at least once a day, but i think part of it is going through the motions of not nwating to be alone. I really dont think she is happy in the relationship, but happy with me if that makes any sort of sense????

I would like to think we would still be friends when this all comes out but i think it will hurt her too much. She will be hurt not necessarily by the fact i am gay, but by the deception of it all. Years and years ago i told her about when I lost my virginity to a girl where i worked on a saturday (called Sue), i casually mentioned much later (weeks)that i still exchanged cards and letters with Sue from my old work - she drove round to where i lived (having a minor accident on the way) to confront me as to why i was still in contact with her..it turns out actually there were 2 Sues where i worked and it wasnt the one i lost my virginity to that i kept in touch with, but she was ready to break it off with me because of this. mmmm thats one memory that ive only just remembered which may have a bearing on things....

See anohter of these random things that i have only just remembered. I suppose the fact that i have got over 20 years of suspected gay feelings to piece together means there will be alot more of these along the way.

I just remembered another one now - see what youve all done :-) I remember saving up to buy an Amstrad Notebook Computer many years ago - it was really a posh name for an electronic typewriter with calendar and a bit of memory - i actually still have the machine in the garage, anyway, on this machine you could set up a secret file with a password and in that secret file i wrote a fictional story about me and my best friend and what i would have liekd to have happened with him. It was very explicit if i remember rightly. I have tried to get into that file since but cant remember the password which isnt much good - just to see what i was feeling then.

i may try and again now i am a bit more tech savvy and see if i can crack it.

Anyway, i can hear the exercise equipment has stopped upstairs now so i had better go back to my fake life

take care everyone and thanks for stopping by

JSL

back so soon

i know, youre thinking its him again, but just want to apologise for past and future blogs if they are all over the place. i will honestly try and structure them with bits about my past along with day to day stuff as well, but realise that sometimes words just keep spewing on a page, often randomly - so sorry for that.

also i have set up one of these formspring things so you can find out more about me if i dont put it down on my blog. i will try and answer everything honestly unless it compromises my outward existence - hopefully at some point soon i will only have one true life to lead :-)

http://www.formspring.me/2late4regrets

day off - yay!!!

i have a day off work today which i am very grateful for. Generally i work every day for at least part of the day, and even though i may do a bit of work today, its different if i am sitting at home doing it with some coffee and snacks.

i spent alot of yesterday having a read through other peoples blogs. i discovered Chris/Razz' blog http://doinmeheadin.blogspot.com/and the memorial one as well http://inmemoryofrazz.blogspot.com/. It does make you sad when someone loses their life who has managed to do so much in their lives in such as short time AND make a difference to other peoples lives as well. He must have been a very special guy to touch so many people.. I also read thru Pilgims blog http://laroutedepilgrim.blogspot.com/and saw how he was inspired to start his blog partly due to Razz. I cant believe how much Pilgrim manages to do in the day - i dont think he can get much sleep - he is amazing and seems another genuinely nice guy.

i will sign off for now, but will be back soon :-)

some relief....

...not that type of relief

ive started emailing with someone about what i'm going through and finding its really helping - am starting to feel a huge weight slowly starting to come off my shoulders...

this is the first time ive ever 'talked' to anyone about whats going on in my head

By the way, Happy Easter to everyone. ive already eaten far too much chocolate already, like i do every year :-)

i will blog again soon

Bye for now

head spinning

been a bit of a crappy day really - nothing major, just little things bugging me.

also i have been thinking its friday today all day...even though i am working tomorrow (poor me) - i kept doing all the things i do friday today...not that i am regimented like that and a routine freak!!!

got some chocolate for easter today from collegaues which was very nice. i usually go to Thorntons and get people eggs with their names on - they seem to like the thought behind it...i remember when i was a kid i got one every year and loved it:-)

thinking of finding myself a fuck buddy - any recommendations of where to find one?