Monday, 3 January 2011

is it time for goodbyes?

Having a bit of an off today would be able to tell cos i always am the same on the outside...Even when i hit the depths of depression in mid 2010, nobody knew except me...

Just feeling a bit low..i dont really know why..well i know some reasons as to why I'm feeling this way but they are only minor things really...

i know its shallow but i crave some physical affection..yes sex is part of that, but not all..kissing, touching, hugging...any of those things will do..and ive got none..and it seems i cant get any..even with the powers of online or iphone sex apps...

Online, i dont hide my situation i.e my marital status..someone this morning i was chatting to decided that i was straight and just had a rant against me saying i should just go back to being straight and stop moaning..its stupid but it hurt cos i know I'm gay which brings me onto another criticism i read today..someone said "Also don't like gays that repress themselves to please heteros. Fuck everyone else, live your life to how were born to."..

Theres some other things that have been said that made me question everything as well...

All of this has just made me think, am i doing the right thing??? Would i just be better off forgetting i like guys and just carry on as i used to..including deleting all my online profiles and disappearing...I'm not being funny here either, i'm being serious..part of me wonders if its worth the hassle? perhaps just going back to playing the straight guy is better for everyone concerned

That way no-one else gets hurt anymore, no-one has to listen to me moan. I wont face the disappointment of rejection...

Everyones a winner..and give it a few one will remember who I am either


  1. It's unfortunate that you're in the predicament that you are in, but... IMHO the genie is out of the bottle.

    You could try to go back into the closet, but you would be unhappy and would, eventually, come out again, only the second time it would be more painful.

    The road ahead is, without a doubt, rocky -- but it's the wisest path to march down at this point.

    Ignore the detractors -- the people who rant against you. Pay attention to those who listen.

  2. JSL

    I believe, very strongly, that you have spent the last eight months or so doing the right thing. I think it's evident from the increasing happiness radiating from your posts since you came out; if I didn't believe that, I wouldn't have encouraged you along the route you've been following.

    Please don't let a couple of thoughtless and insensitive people get you down. I'm afraid that gay men can be just as capable of such behaviour as anyone else - but you're a unique individual, and it's your right to arrange your life as seems best to you.

    If you want to go back as you were, and disappear from blog-land etc., that's your right too, and I wouldn't stand in your way - but I think blog-land will be a poorer place for your absence. And I certainly will remember you, and wonder how you're getting on.



  3. Hey, I've been reading for a while but not commented. There's a crappy but brilliant US TV show called 'Brothers and Sisters' in which a 50-something year old character comes out. His nephew says that 'he missed his entire life'... That's why you should be brave and stay out. You don't want to look back and think 'I missed my life', not knowing if you could have been incredibly happy and in love with another guy. It will be a hard road sometimes, but worth it. Best of luck.

  4. You've been making a big change. Having doubts is 100% normal. If you are absolutely certain in 3 mos, 6 mos and a year from now that you honestly WANT to go back in the closet, then do it. For now, the very last thing you want to do is be flakey - chasing one dream after another, but never getting anywhere. You can't find what you want if you keep changing your mind every few months.

    Depression is not always a bad thing. It's a way to work through difficult issues. It sucks while it's happening but once you work through it, you're likely to be so much happier in the long run.

  5. Hey JSL -

    I've been there too. It sucks. Sometimes you wonder if your on the right path or not. I know it's been said already - but you can't let some comments from a few silly people change the course of your life. You need to do what's right for you, and not some guy in a chat room who doesn't like you because your life experiences are different than his. He can fuck off.

    Oh - and about the dry spells - they happen too. I can't explain it, but it seems at times that Grindr / Craiglist / Whatever online site you can name will conspire at the same time to keep you alone. Then for some unknown reason, it changes and you're back in the swing of things. Wait it out. Don't give up.

    Take care -