One of my friends in his blog The Feeling Inside, wrote a post called 'How gay are You?' in which he discussed how gay he actually was in terms of his life, and this got me thinking about myself.
I have gone my entire life without even hearing the merest sniff of a rumour about my sexuality...ok i have been in a heterosexual relationship for a number of those years..but thats alot more years without being in one...also for the last few months i have been wedding ringless and my sexuality has once again been potentially open to question
I have always tended to think that being gay just so happens to mean that i find men sexually attractive ( and as discussed before, always have done since a teen), and doesnt necessarily impact on other parts of my life.
So I've been thinking about my gayness, and in some respects there have always been clues to my sexuality, but then other aspects than go against that..maybe that eclectic mix in my life has meant that gay vs hetero aspects balanced each other out.
I hadnt had any relationship until i was mid 20s which i think is pretty unusual..fortunately i didnt have the family to start asking about girls and such like!!
Ive always been interested in clothes and fashion from a soon as i was getting my own clothes..i remembering turning up at school in flash grey school trousers with turn ups which were very fashionable at the time... As soon as I could afford it I bought GQ magazine and when I was 18, went to a special readers evening at my local posh/upmarket department store where i somehow won a Jasper Conran Jacket (He is a top British Fashion Designer)...it was a smart single breasted jacket in electric blue and had a price tag of £285 which was an incredible amount at the time....i actually think i may still have the jacket somewhere...... In my first week at University I ended up going to a massive fashion show being held on campus and no one made any comments!!
So apart from fashion, ive used 'products' for years..moisturiser, balm, shampoo and conditioner..i guess people just thought i just liked to look after myself. Ive never had any close gay friends...I thought i may have found one when i hired one for a job at my company (he was the best candidate btw!!) ,my gaydar pinged as soon as i saw him and he was a lovely guy..i thought he may be someone to come out to and share my problems...unfortunately it became clear he had issues of his own, and if i had told him then he wasnt the type to keep it to himself!!!
Friends wise, ive always had one or two gay friends in my life from University onwards...at University I had 2 gay friends who were very camp and overtly gay (which scared me),and also a girl who was a mature student who was married with a kid in the first year and came out in that summer and was a lesbian thereon, she was lovely.
After Uni, ive always worked with at least one gay guy, and none of them guessed..even when one found my profile on gaydar (thank heavens for my lack of picture on there), but guess that pesky gold band on my third finger of my left hand acted like a gay cloak of invisibility. Interestingly since the ring came off, ive noticed more guys chatting to me and looks being given to me...it could be coincidence but i like to think not :)
Since i made the decision to tell my wife and live more gayly, im not sure i have actually done anything different...at least when Im on my own. When i have been out with another gay guy, ive found i become more happy and friendly and more ME to be honest. I have to say the gay in me is now probably seeping out, and i think could turn into a flood given time...do i care? not in he slightest..its who i am meant to be