three times today

when i am not at work i end up just pottering around and not achieving much ... hence the third post today.

You may wonder how i manage to do all this blogging and reading other peoples blogs when i am a working married man etc... the basic answer is me and my wife both have laptops cos of work so theres not many times we need to use each others except for the time (i know of) she decided to see if i had any porn on my laptop... she found a solitary picture of a naked guy in some folder somewhere i had accidentally misfiled (oops) I passed it off as a torrent download that evidently wasnt what it was suppsoed to be and she bought it ( i think).. i can remember exactly who it was as well which is weird despite it being some time ago ...i can let you know if you want to.

anyway back to the how i manage to lead a split life. my wife spends alot of time sleeping and exercising occasionally in another part of the house leaving me free to do what i want. Even if she is in the same room, were almost always on our laptops for something or another so me typing or reading the screen arent anything unusual...if i started wanking then maybe she would suspect something amiss:-) sorry to bring the level of this blog down somewhat - i apologise!!!

i honestly dont like the deception of this, i really dont but still havent worked out how this is all going to come out in the open so to speak. Theres going to be alot of people out there who arent going to be happy at my stringing my wife along for so long when i have known i was gay, and i deserve it i suppose. i am just not really sure how i got into this position. I just sort of fell into going out with her, fell into moving in with her and fell into marriage really - i cant say for certain that i actually planned any of this. this doesnt really excuse me, but i sort of went along with everything for the ease of it cos it was just sort of how things were panning out anyway.

I do love my wife, i am just not in love with her. Being an only child I dont know what its like to have a sister or brother, but i guess we are more like a brother and sister now, theres nothing sexual between us at all, if we kiss its more of a cute or polite kiss between us rather than a passionate 'i want you' kiss - this is on both our parts She tells me how much she loves me and i mean to her at least once a day, but i think part of it is going through the motions of not nwating to be alone. I really dont think she is happy in the relationship, but happy with me if that makes any sort of sense????

I would like to think we would still be friends when this all comes out but i think it will hurt her too much. She will be hurt not necessarily by the fact i am gay, but by the deception of it all. Years and years ago i told her about when I lost my virginity to a girl where i worked on a saturday (called Sue), i casually mentioned much later (weeks)that i still exchanged cards and letters with Sue from my old work - she drove round to where i lived (having a minor accident on the way) to confront me as to why i was still in contact with her..it turns out actually there were 2 Sues where i worked and it wasnt the one i lost my virginity to that i kept in touch with, but she was ready to break it off with me because of this. mmmm thats one memory that ive only just remembered which may have a bearing on things....

See anohter of these random things that i have only just remembered. I suppose the fact that i have got over 20 years of suspected gay feelings to piece together means there will be alot more of these along the way.

I just remembered another one now - see what youve all done :-) I remember saving up to buy an Amstrad Notebook Computer many years ago - it was really a posh name for an electronic typewriter with calendar and a bit of memory - i actually still have the machine in the garage, anyway, on this machine you could set up a secret file with a password and in that secret file i wrote a fictional story about me and my best friend and what i would have liekd to have happened with him. It was very explicit if i remember rightly. I have tried to get into that file since but cant remember the password which isnt much good - just to see what i was feeling then.

i may try and again now i am a bit more tech savvy and see if i can crack it.

Anyway, i can hear the exercise equipment has stopped upstairs now so i had better go back to my fake life

take care everyone and thanks for stopping by

JSL