Monday 18 April 2011
Saturday 16 April 2011
Life is just shit
Sorry ive not blogged for ages..my lifes been kinda full in a good way...ive spent loads of time with my best friend in real life and to be honest its been great doing that...but I'm guessing from now on I'll be back in the online world again.
Whats happened to me since my last post..i came out to my best friend from Uni days..he took it really well and said it made no difference to him whether i was gay or straight..i was so nervous telling him , but a huge sigh of relief once i had done it....
home life ..meh..i now live with a friend ..me and my wife are pretty clear thats how things are now..we'll just see how it works until i can sort everything properly
My blog was always meant to be an anonymous self contained thing which i could write anything on, however I opened it up to twitter friends which makes talking about things involving people that i know and my twitter followers know, very difficult...and i need to talk about it to someone....
In my whole life (all 40 years of it) there have only been two people who have truly known me...and i think ive messed everything up with one of them....
The one guy is 24, i met online has been a rock to me and i have been one to them, hes my 'brother' my best friend and i love him in the most platonic way possible...apart from when he had no internet in Spain, not a day has gone by in 10 months that we have not said at least hello to each other.
The second guy i only met 4 months ago...and quickly we became good friends..we both said we were best friends...we share alot of the same interests, likes,etc... we both genuinely like each other..however...theres more going on :( you all know who it is and i dont need lecturing about it. .and im gonna lose him as a friend if i dont do something
Whats happened to me since my last post..i came out to my best friend from Uni days..he took it really well and said it made no difference to him whether i was gay or straight..i was so nervous telling him , but a huge sigh of relief once i had done it....
home life ..meh..i now live with a friend ..me and my wife are pretty clear thats how things are now..we'll just see how it works until i can sort everything properly
My blog was always meant to be an anonymous self contained thing which i could write anything on, however I opened it up to twitter friends which makes talking about things involving people that i know and my twitter followers know, very difficult...and i need to talk about it to someone....
In my whole life (all 40 years of it) there have only been two people who have truly known me...and i think ive messed everything up with one of them....
The one guy is 24, i met online has been a rock to me and i have been one to them, hes my 'brother' my best friend and i love him in the most platonic way possible...apart from when he had no internet in Spain, not a day has gone by in 10 months that we have not said at least hello to each other.
The second guy i only met 4 months ago...and quickly we became good friends..we both said we were best friends...we share alot of the same interests, likes,etc... we both genuinely like each other..however...theres more going on :( you all know who it is and i dont need lecturing about it. .and im gonna lose him as a friend if i dont do something
Friday 18 February 2011
Why Do I have to be Old?
Just think you all ought to know, it sucks!
Why do I say this?
Well people expect me to look a certain way and act a certain way.
They also think that i am attracted to people who are 'old' like me!
Well, just for the record it doesnt work like that, unfortunately for me.
I have friends of all ages, age doesnt make any difference in that respect...however in terms of attraction, Ive yet to meet someone around my age i am physically attracted to.
I dont know about other people, but when i see someone my age, my first instinct is to grade myself against them...this is particularly fun when you find peers from school and univeristy on facebook..you remember how they once looked
Why do I say this?
Well people expect me to look a certain way and act a certain way.
They also think that i am attracted to people who are 'old' like me!
Well, just for the record it doesnt work like that, unfortunately for me.
I have friends of all ages, age doesnt make any difference in that respect...however in terms of attraction, Ive yet to meet someone around my age i am physically attracted to.
I dont know about other people, but when i see someone my age, my first instinct is to grade myself against them...this is particularly fun when you find peers from school and univeristy on facebook..you remember how they once looked
Wednesday 26 January 2011
How gay am I?
One of my friends in his blog The Feeling Inside, wrote a post called 'How gay are You?' in which he discussed how gay he actually was in terms of his life, and this got me thinking about myself.
I have gone my entire life without even hearing the merest sniff of a rumour about my sexuality...ok i have been in a heterosexual relationship for a number of those years..but thats alot more years without being in one...also for the last few months i have been wedding ringless and my sexuality has once again been potentially open to question
I have always tended to think that being gay just so happens to mean that i find men sexually attractive ( and as discussed before, always have done since a teen), and doesnt necessarily impact on other parts of my life.
So I've been thinking about my gayness, and in some respects there have always been clues to my sexuality, but then other aspects than go against that..maybe that eclectic mix in my life has meant that gay vs hetero aspects balanced each other out.
I hadnt had any relationship until i was mid 20s which i think is pretty unusual..fortunately i didnt have the family to start asking about girls and such like!!
Ive always been interested in clothes and fashion from a soon as i was getting my own clothes..i remembering turning up at school in flash grey school trousers with turn ups which were very fashionable at the time... As soon as I could afford it I bought GQ magazine and when I was 18, went to a special readers evening at my local posh/upmarket department store where i somehow won a Jasper Conran Jacket (He is a top British Fashion Designer)...it was a smart single breasted jacket in electric blue and had a price tag of £285 which was an incredible amount at the time....i actually think i may still have the jacket somewhere...... In my first week at University I ended up going to a massive fashion show being held on campus and no one made any comments!!
So apart from fashion, ive used 'products' for years..moisturiser, balm, shampoo and conditioner..i guess people just thought i just liked to look after myself. Ive never had any close gay friends...I thought i may have found one when i hired one for a job at my company (he was the best candidate btw!!) ,my gaydar pinged as soon as i saw him and he was a lovely guy..i thought he may be someone to come out to and share my problems...unfortunately it became clear he had issues of his own, and if i had told him then he wasnt the type to keep it to himself!!!
Friends wise, ive always had one or two gay friends in my life from University onwards...at University I had 2 gay friends who were very camp and overtly gay (which scared me),and also a girl who was a mature student who was married with a kid in the first year and came out in that summer and was a lesbian thereon, she was lovely.
After Uni, ive always worked with at least one gay guy, and none of them guessed..even when one found my profile on gaydar (thank heavens for my lack of picture on there), but guess that pesky gold band on my third finger of my left hand acted like a gay cloak of invisibility. Interestingly since the ring came off, ive noticed more guys chatting to me and looks being given to me...it could be coincidence but i like to think not :)
Since i made the decision to tell my wife and live more gayly, im not sure i have actually done anything different...at least when Im on my own. When i have been out with another gay guy, ive found i become more happy and friendly and more ME to be honest. I have to say the gay in me is now probably seeping out, and i think could turn into a flood given time...do i care? not in he slightest..its who i am meant to be
I have gone my entire life without even hearing the merest sniff of a rumour about my sexuality...ok i have been in a heterosexual relationship for a number of those years..but thats alot more years without being in one...also for the last few months i have been wedding ringless and my sexuality has once again been potentially open to question
I have always tended to think that being gay just so happens to mean that i find men sexually attractive ( and as discussed before, always have done since a teen), and doesnt necessarily impact on other parts of my life.
So I've been thinking about my gayness, and in some respects there have always been clues to my sexuality, but then other aspects than go against that..maybe that eclectic mix in my life has meant that gay vs hetero aspects balanced each other out.
I hadnt had any relationship until i was mid 20s which i think is pretty unusual..fortunately i didnt have the family to start asking about girls and such like!!
Ive always been interested in clothes and fashion from a soon as i was getting my own clothes..i remembering turning up at school in flash grey school trousers with turn ups which were very fashionable at the time... As soon as I could afford it I bought GQ magazine and when I was 18, went to a special readers evening at my local posh/upmarket department store where i somehow won a Jasper Conran Jacket (He is a top British Fashion Designer)...it was a smart single breasted jacket in electric blue and had a price tag of £285 which was an incredible amount at the time....i actually think i may still have the jacket somewhere...... In my first week at University I ended up going to a massive fashion show being held on campus and no one made any comments!!
So apart from fashion, ive used 'products' for years..moisturiser, balm, shampoo and conditioner..i guess people just thought i just liked to look after myself. Ive never had any close gay friends...I thought i may have found one when i hired one for a job at my company (he was the best candidate btw!!) ,my gaydar pinged as soon as i saw him and he was a lovely guy..i thought he may be someone to come out to and share my problems...unfortunately it became clear he had issues of his own, and if i had told him then he wasnt the type to keep it to himself!!!
Friends wise, ive always had one or two gay friends in my life from University onwards...at University I had 2 gay friends who were very camp and overtly gay (which scared me),and also a girl who was a mature student who was married with a kid in the first year and came out in that summer and was a lesbian thereon, she was lovely.
After Uni, ive always worked with at least one gay guy, and none of them guessed..even when one found my profile on gaydar (thank heavens for my lack of picture on there), but guess that pesky gold band on my third finger of my left hand acted like a gay cloak of invisibility. Interestingly since the ring came off, ive noticed more guys chatting to me and looks being given to me...it could be coincidence but i like to think not :)
Since i made the decision to tell my wife and live more gayly, im not sure i have actually done anything different...at least when Im on my own. When i have been out with another gay guy, ive found i become more happy and friendly and more ME to be honest. I have to say the gay in me is now probably seeping out, and i think could turn into a flood given time...do i care? not in he slightest..its who i am meant to be
Thursday 6 January 2011
Fanks and Flirting
Just to thank everyone for their support and advice since my last post..i was being serious about the direction to go..call it a crisis of confidence or something else...i dont know..i just dont like hurting other people....
Doing this has reared its head online in the last few days as well where I had a disagreement with a fellow blogger and tweeter after something happened..I am very sorry that it happened, but its possibly meant an interesting, funny and young person may not tweet or blog anymore, which is the real shame for him and those who follow him
Other randomness occured to me this morning...Flirting...so much so, i messaged a fellow blogger about it...does there need to be some form of attraction between guys to flirt with them???..i thought yes, and so did my friend. I only asked because i have been doing alot of flirting online over the past 2/3 weeks on sites online and on my iphone...i get a number of guys saying Hi , and i politely reply..if i think he's attractive, my flirting seems to kick in..dont get me wrong, i like flirting lots..but i have a problem.
I have been flirting with one guy more than any other...we do it publically, privately, by text and on skype as well...and the thing is ..i'm really getting off on it....he is making me so horny , its ridiculous!!! The thing is he is as bad as me...he knows exactly which buttons to press..but it really feels wrong to be feeling like this because he is much younger than me...i enjoy the feeling, but suddenly get a guilt trip about saying some of these things to him
'And finally' ...said in my best Trevor Mcdonald voice, can i just introduce a new blogger to you. He is a lovely guy and i am so loving reading his thoughts...i wont tell you any more, youll have to go and read his blog for yourself!!!
the-feeling-inside
Doing this has reared its head online in the last few days as well where I had a disagreement with a fellow blogger and tweeter after something happened..I am very sorry that it happened, but its possibly meant an interesting, funny and young person may not tweet or blog anymore, which is the real shame for him and those who follow him
Other randomness occured to me this morning...Flirting...so much so, i messaged a fellow blogger about it...does there need to be some form of attraction between guys to flirt with them???..i thought yes, and so did my friend. I only asked because i have been doing alot of flirting online over the past 2/3 weeks on sites online and on my iphone...i get a number of guys saying Hi , and i politely reply..if i think he's attractive, my flirting seems to kick in..dont get me wrong, i like flirting lots..but i have a problem.
I have been flirting with one guy more than any other...we do it publically, privately, by text and on skype as well...and the thing is ..i'm really getting off on it....he is making me so horny , its ridiculous!!! The thing is he is as bad as me...he knows exactly which buttons to press..but it really feels wrong to be feeling like this because he is much younger than me...i enjoy the feeling, but suddenly get a guilt trip about saying some of these things to him
'And finally' ...said in my best Trevor Mcdonald voice, can i just introduce a new blogger to you. He is a lovely guy and i am so loving reading his thoughts...i wont tell you any more, youll have to go and read his blog for yourself!!!
the-feeling-inside
Monday 3 January 2011
is it time for goodbyes?
Having a bit of an off today today..no-one would be able to tell cos i always am the same on the outside...Even when i hit the depths of depression in mid 2010, nobody knew except me...
Just feeling a bit low..i dont really know why..well i know some reasons as to why I'm feeling this way but they are only minor things really...
i know its shallow but i crave some physical affection..yes sex is part of that, but not all..kissing, touching, hugging...any of those things will do..and ive got none..and it seems i cant get any..even with the powers of online or iphone sex apps...
Online, i dont hide my situation i.e my marital status..someone this morning i was chatting to decided that i was straight and just had a rant against me saying i should just go back to being straight and stop moaning..its stupid but it hurt cos i know I'm gay which brings me onto another criticism i read today..someone said "Also don't like gays that repress themselves to please heteros. Fuck everyone else, live your life to how were born to."..
Theres some other things that have been said that made me question everything as well...
All of this has just made me think, am i doing the right thing??? Would i just be better off forgetting i like guys and just carry on as i used to..including deleting all my online profiles and disappearing...I'm not being funny here either, i'm being serious..part of me wonders if its worth the hassle? perhaps just going back to playing the straight guy is better for everyone concerned
That way no-one else gets hurt anymore, no-one has to listen to me moan. I wont face the disappointment of rejection...
Everyones a winner..and give it a few days..no one will remember who I am either
Just feeling a bit low..i dont really know why..well i know some reasons as to why I'm feeling this way but they are only minor things really...
i know its shallow but i crave some physical affection..yes sex is part of that, but not all..kissing, touching, hugging...any of those things will do..and ive got none..and it seems i cant get any..even with the powers of online or iphone sex apps...
Online, i dont hide my situation i.e my marital status..someone this morning i was chatting to decided that i was straight and just had a rant against me saying i should just go back to being straight and stop moaning..its stupid but it hurt cos i know I'm gay which brings me onto another criticism i read today..someone said "Also don't like gays that repress themselves to please heteros. Fuck everyone else, live your life to how were born to."..
Theres some other things that have been said that made me question everything as well...
All of this has just made me think, am i doing the right thing??? Would i just be better off forgetting i like guys and just carry on as i used to..including deleting all my online profiles and disappearing...I'm not being funny here either, i'm being serious..part of me wonders if its worth the hassle? perhaps just going back to playing the straight guy is better for everyone concerned
That way no-one else gets hurt anymore, no-one has to listen to me moan. I wont face the disappointment of rejection...
Everyones a winner..and give it a few days..no one will remember who I am either
Saturday 1 January 2011
2010 and 2011
..another year over and a new one just begun!!!
2010 was a bit of a rollercoaster year to say the least with highs and lows!!!!!
More than me knows I'm gay now - Yay!!, but although my wife knows, we still in the same house and its not fun...
2011 will see the end of this charade though..it will be better for both of us that a clean break is made
2010 has seen me make some new friends...some of them are people i just say Hi to online occasionally, some i swap 140 character messages with, some i chat to online, and some are now proper friends. Without them, i couldnt have done it. Lots of you online have had a part to play.
The return of Jessie made me so happy, and seeing how his life is going gives me hope..he doesnt talk much but he was one of the first to accept me onlne. T!..has been lovely, he as provided me with hope, humour and advice since i came across him. I hope to meet him one day, to thank him properly for everything. Mark and Glen were both there on the end of an email for a friendly chat. There have been so many online who i want to thank...Adam, Mark, Nic ;-) ,David x 2, Tim, Elliot, Phil, Adam..theres probably alot more to be honest
2010 has also seen me start and explore my gay sexuality as well..not that im ticking things to do off a checklist, but, well i am sort of...i dont know if i like something until ive tried it ;-)
So what does 2011 have in store..i have some resolutions or objectives:
Firstly, i want to be able to run 5km in under 20 minutes..this is possible if i work hard and eat better. I also want to beat last years half marathon time as well..i think i can do 1 hour 30 mins!! Allied to this is generally doing more exercise...keep the swimming up and cycle more..maybe a triathlon may be on the cards lol!
Secondly, I will be leaving my wife this year..its going to be harder than anything thats happened this year. She is going to be distraught despite me trying to make this whole thing as easy as possible on her...I just want to have closure so we can both start new lives.
Thirdly, sort my business/job/career out...ive been playing at working for too long..i need to get serious and sort it out so i have a better career life balance..if i find a guy i love, he cant be expected to come second to my work
I think thats it for now..i may think of others but if i have achieved those things by the end of 2011 i will be happy
2010 was a bit of a rollercoaster year to say the least with highs and lows!!!!!
More than me knows I'm gay now - Yay!!, but although my wife knows, we still in the same house and its not fun...
2011 will see the end of this charade though..it will be better for both of us that a clean break is made
2010 has seen me make some new friends...some of them are people i just say Hi to online occasionally, some i swap 140 character messages with, some i chat to online, and some are now proper friends. Without them, i couldnt have done it. Lots of you online have had a part to play.
The return of Jessie made me so happy, and seeing how his life is going gives me hope..he doesnt talk much but he was one of the first to accept me onlne. T!..has been lovely, he as provided me with hope, humour and advice since i came across him. I hope to meet him one day, to thank him properly for everything. Mark and Glen were both there on the end of an email for a friendly chat. There have been so many online who i want to thank...Adam, Mark, Nic ;-) ,David x 2, Tim, Elliot, Phil, Adam..theres probably alot more to be honest
2010 has also seen me start and explore my gay sexuality as well..not that im ticking things to do off a checklist, but, well i am sort of...i dont know if i like something until ive tried it ;-)
So what does 2011 have in store..i have some resolutions or objectives:
Firstly, i want to be able to run 5km in under 20 minutes..this is possible if i work hard and eat better. I also want to beat last years half marathon time as well..i think i can do 1 hour 30 mins!! Allied to this is generally doing more exercise...keep the swimming up and cycle more..maybe a triathlon may be on the cards lol!
Secondly, I will be leaving my wife this year..its going to be harder than anything thats happened this year. She is going to be distraught despite me trying to make this whole thing as easy as possible on her...I just want to have closure so we can both start new lives.
Thirdly, sort my business/job/career out...ive been playing at working for too long..i need to get serious and sort it out so i have a better career life balance..if i find a guy i love, he cant be expected to come second to my work
I think thats it for now..i may think of others but if i have achieved those things by the end of 2011 i will be happy
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